Something Professional, but Catchy.

Mrs Clinton vs. Bob Dole Jr.

2008-02-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

It's almost 1996 again, minus the promise of the internet.

Unless Obama is able to pull his share of the delegates for the post-Super Tuesday share of the primary election, we'll be facing an election between ANOTHER Clinton and ANOTHER old man.

McCain seems to have a little more energy that Dole did in 1996, but there's one thing that McCain is sorely in need of: the support of his own party.

It seems that the lion's share of the Republican Party is now lamenting McCain's rise to power after Super Tuesday. I'm watching Ann Coulter talk about how sad it is that Romney, a "real conservative" isn't holding position as the top Republican Nominee. I'm sorry, but how does being pro-gay rights, pro-abortion, and anti-gun make for being a "real conservative," especially in the eyes of Ann freaking Coulter?

Anyway, now that McCain is their option, they're taking my position and hoping that Hillary gets elected so that she can bankrupt the dollar with ludicrous amounts of federal spending. (At least that's why I want her elected.) They're of the mind that, as long as Hillary's in office, we can blame everything that happens on a Democrat for once.

Republican pundits would rather be on the offensive and slamming the opposite party instead of having to defend everything their moronic cowboy hero does. Now that his lame duck status is absolutely secure (Republican Sentors having blocked the stimulus plan that Bush set up with the House Premier, Komrade Pelosi), they're ready to sit back and do some good old Democrat bashing.

Here's to Barack Obama. He may not have much experience, but he's an agent of change, he's not a conservative in liberal clothing, and he's actually pro-gun rights. Yeah, it came as a surprise to me too. The man from Illinois--may he win the day and spare us all from a sequel to "The Old Man and the Clinton."

McCain and Abel

2008-01-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

John McCain has won South Carolina. That's right, the state that dealt the Mac a crushing blow just four years ago has (narrowly) accepted him into their hearts. Where did the good doctor fall on this first of the southern states, this test of the minds of the evangelicals?

Fourth. Ron Paul got fourth.

And while it's not looking especially good for the one whose supporters call the "savior of the constitution, Dr. Paul did come 2nd only to Mitt Romney in a state half-filled with mormons. Not too bad, considering. It may have been a distant second, but remember, this was a state that less than half a century ago hauled pot dealers to jail for life with no questions asked.

Not a bad sign.

Perhaps most amazing is the sign that the Huckabeast's drive to conquer the south may have been stopped short on yesterday's important vote. Keep in mind that Huckabee is supposedly the voice of the evangelical community (despite the fact that Rat Pobertson supported another fellow rodent, Rudy Guiliani, whose upturned nose, squinty eyes, and clever position changes place his appearance somewhere between a ferret and a weasel).

Some people say that Dr. Paul's contention for the hearts of the Republicans (whose minds and original party precepts have been turned upside down by way of Papa Strauss' Neo-Conservative movement), is a fool's wager.

After seeing some of the opening primaries, they may be right. (FULL DISCLOSURE: The author of this very blog is a wickedly insane Dr. Paul supporter of the most distant fringe, but even we asylum patients have to admit that perhaps our victory will come not in getting the Doctor elected president, but in reminding the American public that their government was based off of a piece of paper called the Constitution.) The people that irk me are not the whole body of naysayers, but instead, the sub-group of naysayers who support the rodent mentioned above.

How can the Republicans possibly vote for a candidate who once attempted to blame criminal activity on gun companies? Moreover, how can the evangelicals believe in a man twice divorced--a man who has children that won't speak to him? Fool's wager indeed. If you want to call Ron Paul a joke, there's only one Republican you can stand behind to make that claim...and that man is John McCain.

Romney, you ask? I shudder in fear. If Mitt Romney takes the presidency, this nation is as surely doomed as David Broder's head is domed. But nay--I have faith in the south. If such a state as South Carolina would reject McCain just four years ago only to lead him under the shade of the Palmetto, surely states like Alabama and Mississippi will lead him under the shade of the majestic--uh--swampgrass that would protect him from the radioactive orange glow of Romney's billion candela faux-tan.

New Hampshire is a nice win for the Mac as well, but keep in mind the oddity that is New Hampshire; after all, Pat Buchanan (think Ron Paul only with less gynecologist and more Guy Fawkes, more gun waving and less net flaming) won that state's primary in 1996.

But I stand on my position: if you're going to put money on a Republican winner, that man is John McCain.

If you're a democrat, that man is Senator Hillary Clinton. Yes, if the ever-whining democrats win this time, it looks like another dynastic turn in the executive party of our country. Obama supporters are wearing blinders if they think that Barack can win the south. He can't. After all--there were female plantation owners.

This editor is going to take plenty of flack for that comment (yet not as much as a certain editor who decided to decorate their sports magazine cover with the most apparently poignant of all racial symbols--the noose), but as badly as Democrats want to jail me for even bringing the point up, the truth will be evident after Super-Duper-Ultra-Funtastic-Extravanganza Tuesday. If I were a registered democrat, you can bet that I would be voting for Obama, the lesser of two evils on a socialist front where everyone gets free healthcare for nothing, but the point of this is that I don't represent the south. I'm just calling it as I hear it--and as I hear it, it's usually sung to the tune of "I ain't gonna vote for no (racial slur)." It's sad, but it's the truth.

I see plenty of Hillary signs here in South Carolina. I see plenty of McCain and Romney signs. I see Ron Paul signs and Mike Huckabee signs. I even see the occasional John Edwards banners flying. Guess whose signs I don't see? (No, I'm not talking about Duncan Hunter.)

So again, my scoreboard for the week opening January 20th:
McCain 2:1
Romney 5:2
Huckabee 8:1
Paul 10:1
Giuliani Snow Leopard:Weasel
Thompson Snowstorm: Miami in July

Hillary 5:4
Obama JOKE CENSORED BY ACLU AND NAACP ON PAIN OF EDITOR'S CAREER DEATH
Edwards Ex-Marine stepfather:Red-headed stepchild (see how stuff like that slips right by the ACLU?)

Bloomberg 10 more Seasons of American Idol:Success of own reality TV show titled "Late Bloomers"

COMING SOON...
As our economy tanks, more and more business deals are going down in favor of international interests. If you think we turned into a corporate police state in this decade, make way for the future as our nation becomes a financial melting pot--the stock of which will be poured into a delicious american pot pie and divided amongst our hungry foreign investors...

According to H.R. 1955, this post will count me as a terrorist

2008-01-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

I am so getting shipped to Guantanamo for this one.

MOVIE BUZZ: AvP:R

2007-12-23T18:48:00.000-05:00

AvP:R? Sounds like a cool new sports coupe. Nope, we're talking about the latest installment of two held-together-with-duct-tape film franchises: Alien and Predator.

Let's look back on our film history and see how Alien (Director Ridley Scott's iconic space-nightmare) and Predator (John McTiernan's not-terrible flick about an invisible alien hunter) culminated in the cinematic clusterf**k that is AvP:R

First we had Alien (1979), one of the best science-fiction/horror films ever made. It established Sigourney Weaver as a leading lady as well as showed us that murderous androids can be scary sons of bitches.

Then we had Aliens (1986), a brilliantly written sequel containing one of Paul Reiser's only great appearances on film, starring as an evil Weyland-Utani space corporation exec. Sigourney returned to the series as one awesomely tough bitch.

Then Ahnold starred in Predator (1987), battling a cloaked extraterrestrial in the darkness of the jungle. It established the Predator as a pussy of a sore loser, blowing himself up instead of accepting his defeat at the hands of a mere human (though I'm not sure we can call the former Mr. Olympia, Mr. Universe, and current governor of California a mere human.)

Then Danny Glover tried his hand at the beast in Predator 2 (1990). Not only did he have better luck in defeating him, but he also got a little bit of our invisible assailant's story here on earth. Reprising his role as the guy who flips out and gets killed was Bill Paxton, who might as well have yelled: "Game over man, Sarge is dead" upon being gutted.

But Sigourney wasn't done with those nasty, acid-bleeding Giger-esque aliens. In Alien 3 (1992) she took her own life, preventing her from giving birth to the Alien Queen embryo that had been growing inside her.

Somewhere along the way, video game designers decided that it wasn't enough to have separate video games about Alien and Predator, so they decided to pit them against each other in Alien vs. Predator (1993, Genesis/SNES). They also pit Robocop against the Terminator, another annoying mash-up that thankfully never hit the big screen.

Speaking of the big screen, we return four years later when the talented writer Joss Whedon (Firefly, Toy Story co-writer) brought the series back in Alien: Ressurection (1997) where Sigourney's character is cloned by those greedy Weyland-Utani folks in order to grow another queen and harvest the eggs of the most deadly weapon in the known universe. Oh yeah, Winona came along for this one, too.

For a while after that, our favorite extraterrestrials took a break, letting the aliens from Independence Day, The Arrival, Species, and Supernova have their proverbial days in the sun.

Seven years later, a bunch of coked up film executives thought that maybe a twelve-year-old video game might make a good premise for a movie. Following the gold-paved road that blockbuster movies like Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, House of the Dead, and DOOM helped build, Alien vs. Predator (2004)--or as fans affectionately called it: AvP--continued the story of both series all while ignoring the fact that both Alien and Predator had once been respectable franchises. The only saving grace we got was that Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Alien 3) reappeared as Charles Bishop Weyland, the original creator of the BISHOP android.

Add more three years, replace the coke binge with a crack binge, and we have AvP:R (2007). The full title is "Aliens vs. Predator: REQUIEM", and the premise looks as awful as that of its predecessor: pit two E.T. nasties against each other and let the action flow! Featuring the talented Raoul Bova, Sanaa Lathan, and...what's that? You've never heard of them? Never mind. Like its predecessor, the only thing that might redeem this movie is Mr. Henriksen, appearing again as Bishop.

The question is, with the titles going the way they are, what's next? Alien 3 vs. Predator 2: Missa pro defunctis? Maybe they can just slide it by whatever fans they have left by calling it: A3vP2:Mpd. After all, a generation full of STP, DMB and MCR fans can't get enough of those wonderful acronyms.

Something new I just learned about Ron Paul

2007-10-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

When he was a milkman, he used to deliver milk to ol' Hans.
The Flying FREAKING Dutchman. This dude just gets cooler and cooler.

ARTHUR BRANCH CHOKES ON THE OPEN NET

2007-10-18T10:45:00.001-04:00

Well Arthur Branch, you've come a long way since your humble days as the D.A. of New York. You were once just a County Sheriff in whatever crap state Roseanne was supposed to have taken place in.

But after you finally appeared on national TV against dynamic powerhouses like faith-based comedy man and prolific rocker Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney--with hair so perfect and skin so flourescent orange that he makes even retired college and pro-football coach Jimmy Johnson weep--you dropped in the polls.

Why is that, Fred?
Is it because you're not Ronald Reagan?
Is it because Nixon dissed you back in the day?
Is it because you avoided the first couple of debates?

No.
It is because your FAIL quotient on the podium even bought Guiliani a few more votes.

Do not steal the spotlight from THE DECIDER

2007-08-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

In future meetings it will be illegal for other state leaders to out-accessorize our sovereign.

It's not funny anymore

2007-08-21T11:33:00.000-04:00

Future Correspondence: Former President G.W. Bush to my friend who is a Doctoral Candidate

2007-08-21T11:29:00.000-04:00

The Hunger Strike: A potent form of protest for peace, justice, and apparently, "American Idol"

2007-04-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

I can say one thing about FOX news...the people know how to write a damn headline.

The latest hook that pulled me into the vast wasteland of FOX programming had such a ludicrous title that I couldn't stop myself from reading it: Reality Check: 'American Idol' Fan on Hunger Strike Until Sanjaya Gets the Ax.

While I was absolutely dumbfounded to read something so absolutely asinine, I also had the good sense to know that it was an American who made this "hunger strike" claim, and as we all know--Americans from my generation aren't really known for their follow through. We are, after all, called the "boomerang kids," an entire generation of children that are content enough in their tech toys and shiny new cars that we feel it unnecessary to find housing and our own paths in life. We move back in with our parents and continue to be teenagers well into our twenties.

Anyway, I seem to have wandered a bit. While some idiot girl has claimed that she's going on a hunger strike to protest the participation of an American Idol contestant, it's a whole different thing to see that strike through to the end.

"Yes, it's true," writes Anna David of FOX NEWS. "The Sanjaya haters feel so passionately...that some are even willing to risk starvation to prove their point."

Well, I'm glad that members of my generation have found passion enough to threaten de-nutrification and starvation. They've proven my harsh words of cynicism wrong. Contrary to my prejudices against my peers, at least one girl has found the strength and resolve to fight--at risk of health and life--for what she believes in. it's simply unfortunate that the cause she's taken up has to do with a game-show contestant. I have no doubt that, with the girl's help, prime-time network justice will be served in this endeavor.

I apologize for the saturation of sarcasm in my words. Fuck it: SUPER-saturation. The sarcasm is actually crystallizing as it escapes the word/idea solution.

I'm overreacting a little bit here, but where are the people starving themselves to death for the sake of our soldiers? Where are the people starving themselves for the sake of injustices OUTSIDE of the realm of entertainment?

They're probably out there...they just don't make the news. It's the same thing as anything else, and one of the real ugly issues is that instead of writing about those people, I'm writing about this misguided fool of a girl, whose name I don't even know.

Part of the problem of the press, as I'm making even more clear with my 500 word article about this idiotic girl, is that we focus on insignificant stuff because it has shock value.

Loop back: the situation at hand only has that shock value BECAUSE it's something so insignificant. It's a gruesome shame.

At the same time, here I am, writing about it. Where do Anna David and I differ? In the end, we don't. She's writes and finds the shocking in the insignificant--I write and find the appalling in the insignificant.

In the end, we're both wasting our time on things that don't matter.

Problem is: when I write about trade deficits or international politics, how many readers do I have? How many journalists face the same issue day to day?

We're paid to write about what you people want to read about. You might be sickened or disgusted or shocked or pissed or beleaguered--but you've bought it and read it, and you've casted your vote. With your click, on the mouse or the remote, you've told us that you want more.

Loop back: I'm inciting more of this media by reading it, being outraged by it, and responding to it. Is there any way to win?

Yup. Let's make a deal. I'll write about something I consider important, and you read it. Don't worry, I'll make it easy on you. I'll give you a headline you can't resist getting angry at.

Special: In Defense of Dubya

2006-05-10T11:12:00.000-04:00

Rolling Stone's 999th issue has art of our president sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on. The article inside has a historian giving reasons as to why George W. Bush may be the worst president we've ever had. After reading the article, I can't say I disagree.

However, I hold fast to what I've been saying since 2002. Our president is not a bad person. He's simply a terrible president and a piss poor leader. With my limited knowledge of Dubya's life, let me try and recreate his motivations, his determination, and his good intentions sinking in the bog of his pre-presidential charmed life and subsequent failure as a national leader.

Pre-Prez Days

First off, Bush was the eldest son of his family. As is the way of tradition, in rich families (nobility,) the eldest son is expected to fill the shoes of his father, so even in his youth Bush felt tremendous pressure to succeed, from generations of the Bush family dating to colonial times, and the honorable Fairbanks name from which they came.

Despite lacking ability in the academic world, Bush went to prep school before attending college at Yale, where he recieved a Bachelor of Arts in History. This was a tremendous success for Dubya, considering his strong C-average. Yale accepted Bush not for his academic excellence, but for his fortitude of spirit.

Following his Yale career, Bush spent time in the Texas Air National Guard defending the Gulf Coast, should the bloodthirsty peoples of the Carribean have assualted our nation during the conflict overseas in Vietnam.

After a short yet glorious military career in which he achieved the rank of First Lieutenant, Bush returned to a much needed educational environment at Harvard, where he received his MBA.

Despite all this, his successes in the worlds of academics, commerce, and defense could not match his father's. This gave Bush the determination he needed to enter politics and not only match up with, but surpass George Sr.'s achievements.

Jesus Saves

As he would probably tell you, George Bush isn't a good man because of George Bush. He's a good man because of Jesus. Ever since he gave his life to the 2000-year-old messiah in 1986, he's been following Christ's teachings to the letter.

Under his governorship of Texas, Bush oversaw the execution of 150 people, including one Karla Faye Tucker who pleaded for clemency on the grounds that she was born again. Bush's response? Openly mocking her plea by relating a pouted face and the words "Please don't kill me."

What would Jesus do? Well, to be fair, if he grew up in Texas with a wealthy family (and was never taught values like hard work, forgiveness, and humanity), Jesus probably would have fried people in the ol' brain scrambler and made fun of their requests for mercy, too.

Bush is steadfast in his peity. Considering his past, it's no wonder that he clings so closely to the hope of a happy afterlife through repentance. No other action in his life would save him from protestant hellfire.

Good Humor

Bush's single most redeeming quality is his ability to find laughter and the positive side in any situation, whether that means showing the lighter side of executing criminals, or being optimistic about seeing the light at the end of the infinitely narrow tunnel of Iraq.

Bush has the ability to make us laugh as well. All it takes is for one to listen to an improv of Dubya going off script during one of his speeches. While some people compare Dubya to an almost Orwellian tyrant, the opposite is true. If we recall 1984, Big Brother kept removing words from the dictionary. Dubya says NO! We should ADD words to the dictionary. If nothing else, this proves Dubya's commitment to freedom of speech--being able to say whatever you want to say on national television during an address to the Nation, even if what you're saying doesn't make grammatical sense.

See, Bush isn't all bad. He may not do the right things for America and he may not really follow Jesus, but he sure has confessed his love for both repeatedly. It's the intention that counts. Most important is his personal defense of freedom of speech--he isn't afraid to say things that would otherwise make our president appear as if he didn't ever receive his high school diploma.

There are worse things than Bush. Many of them involve salt, open wounds, and cattle prods.

Daily News 110-6

2006-04-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, some daily fodder for this, the 110th day of 2006.

Hu's The Boss
Iran So Far Away
Proud to be an Unemployed American

Hu Jintao in the House

The Chinese are more than happy to offer help in defusing Iran and North Korea, but President Hu Jintao is recommending a peaceful and diplomatic solution to the problems. In the meantime, many nations from the EU are expressing concerns about Iran's nuclear program, concerns that are bordering on classical American paranoia.

China seems to be in a very cool position lately, an economic powerhouse with few worries about military and industrial strength. China has been reforming and restructuring heavily since the mid-1990's especially, and has taken a progressive stance on economics while keeping sight on socialist tradition by maintaining their grip on social outlets.

We whine about civil liberties and human rights issues in China, but in the past 5 years or so, our record with prisoners, domestic spying, executive power, and political organization have not fared so well as we'd like to believe. Part of having pride about one's own country is having pride enough to admit weaknesses so that they can be corrected.

China isn't a pet of Western Trade any longer. Hu Jintao has made it clear that while China is more than happy to moderate discussions and help to reach diplomatic resolutions, it will not be taking orders from outsiders any longer. The most fascinating part of this message is how it was delivered-- calmly and matter of fact. The aggression of China will not make itself known with guns and bombs, but instead with stocks, corporations, and currency.

Iran's Pre-Game

Let's say you're any small country which a large super-powered country has labeled part of an "axis of evil." Let's also say that this large super-powered country has a very recent record of entering a country, knocking out what little infrastructure is there, eradicating the organization of any existing security forces, and held ground to oversee the rebuilding of that country. Let's say that one of its recent targets was your next door neighbor.

Now let's also say that as a small country, you're trying to modernize technology, communication, and other infrastructures for your people while trying to maintain tradition and a unique way of life.

NOW, let's say that the super-powered country and all its friends are threatening to halt trade with you if you don't allow them to take part in augmenting your energy infrastructure. Let's add the fact that the U.N. is actually swaying to the side of the super-powered country this time.

Read all of the above again in quick review, and then decide-- what would you do?

1) Adhere to what the outsiders tell you, let them influence your people with cross-culture and anti-establishment propaganda, allowing them to take an interest in the resources your country has,

2) Resist the outsiders and politely tell them that your energy infrastrcture is none of thier damn business, but that you would be happy to offer open inspections and communications to discuss any doubts,

3) Keep from directly dealing with the outsiders and trust in your few allies to help you reach a diplomatic solution that's acceptable to the interests of your country and its people,

4) Let the world know with strong words that you are dedicated to peace, but that you will not respond to threats, nor will you compromise your way of life to those who seek to erode it. Let your enemies know that you will brook no aggression, but also that you will fight to the bitter end no matter the odds if you are invaded.

5) Start slinging sticks and stones and guarantee that your enemies will revisit you with 10 times worse.

I don't know about anyone else, but it seems like 4 is the most probable position. Iran doesn't want to go to war. It doesn't want to prove its determination and faith through blood, but it has made its point clear that if circumstances call for it, the proof will be assured through its actions.

If bomb matches bomb, we'll wipe out the ORGANIZED military of Iran just as quickly as we wiped out the ORGANIZED military of Iraq. But organized military resistance hasn't really ever been a problem in the Middle East, has it?

Let me put it this way. How many American Soldiers were killed by the Iraqi Republican Guard during our invasion? Now compare that number to those who were killed by unaligned insurgents...

These colors may not run, but they also don't listen, they don't logic, and they don't respect cultural differences within or without the country. Bravery doesn't mean shit if you're a bigoted dumbass with a sense of nationalism so vivid that makes you blind and deaf.

Automotiv-ation and Self-Help

Unions don't help if your company is losing money. Unions don't help when your company is moving its jobs to another country. Unions really don't help the workers when a company is struggling for survival.

GM isn't doing too well lately, other American Automotive industries are cutting back production and variety, and the Federal Government cares about GM as much as it cares about national education.

Everytime a U.S. plant gets shut down, it's rarely because the company is doing poorly--or so we're told. The reason behind plant closings usually comes down to "restructuring."

Well, guess when you need to restructure? When you're not making as much money as you used to. When people aren't buying your prodcuts as much. When people are realizing the quality and efficiency of your components and products are being swallowed up by the great American Mediocrity.

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers--find the item in Wal-Mart that's still actually manufactured in America, and you get the Sam Walton medal of industrial morality.

Next week, this Blog will not be written by me--we're outsourcing the authorship to someone with a better education, work ethic, personal sense of pride, professionalism, and experience with English.

Next week we come live to you from Hyderabad...and don't blame the outsourced employees. Blame the dollar, because that's what employment comes down to.

This has been your daily news for the 110th day of 2006.

WEEK 15 REVIEW

2006-04-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, your week in review for this, the 15th week of 2006.

Gens Say Rumsfeld Should Fold
Bird Flu on the Atlantic

Rummy the Dummy

Six Generals are now calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, the United States Secretary of Defense. Of course I picked up a New York Times this morning when I saw the headline "More Retired Generals Call For Rumsfeld's Resignation." How could one resist? For all of you with those "Support Our Troops" magnets on the backs of your vehicles, paired with a W '04 sticker, read very VERY carefully:

"My sincere view is that the commitment of our forces to this fight was done with a casualness and swagger that are the special province of those who have never had to execute these missions--or bury the results. The troops in the Middle East have performed their duty. Now we need people in Washington who can construct a unified strategy worthy of them."

Words from Lt. General Gregory Newbold, the Director of Operations in the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Cutting words from a man who knows what the war is. Time published these words just a week ago.

Now I return to my intended audience--the supporters of this Administration. You're telling me to support our troops as well as supporting our President and his Cabinet--so I'm telling you that's as easily done as lighting an ice cube on fire. Here's my call to you: support the troops, or support the idiots killing them while they sit at their desks and stand at their podiums repeating the "Freedom isn't free" mantra. Choose carefully, because it can't be both.

When Ashcroft dropped from the cabinet in January 2005, I was praying that Rumsfeld would do the same. Now, with support from the true military leaders, perhaps we'll have another chance.

An Avian Update

Guess what, gang? The dreaded Avian Flu has reached Egypt, Holland, and Scotland...which means that isolated incidents have pushed as far west as the Atlantic Ocean. No one seems to be flipping out too badly. The question is in the lottery of the virus possibly jumping hosts and infecting humans at devastating rates. Given that it's gotten across the biggest land mass in the world without becoming a deep red-alert top-prioirty issue, that means one of two things:

1. It's not a big deal and the news is causing way too much stir over it, or
2. It's a really big deal and no one seems to care.

I'm not sure which it is, but given option two, it could be a situation that warrants a bit more caution. Remember, gang, caution and panic are NOT the same thing. Oh yeah, they also found another Mad Cow in British Columbia. Maybe we should handle our food a little more carefully. Where's the beef?

WEEK 3 REVIEW

2006-01-24T10:28:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this your WEEK IN REVIEW for the third week of this year, ending January 21st, 2006.

Whither Weather?
If I were...(Vol. 1)
Art: An Introduction

Winter Gets Wheezy--

I'm not one to talk about global warming as if it were the cause of any natural disaster we face, but I'm also not one to say global warming doesn't exist. Here's the deal though--I've never seen a winter this mild. Maybe it's well within the standard deviation, and I just don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems to me that there's been some kind of interesting weather pattern happening from November until today...

Day one: Warm. (60)
Day two: Mild. (50)
Day three: Really Warm. (65)
Day four: Crappy. (45)
Day five: Cold. (20)
Day six: Chilly. (35)
Day seven: Crappy. (45)
Day eight: (GOTO Day one)

I don't really remember this kind of winter. What's really unfair about all this is that the kids here have gotten one snow day for every two weeks of school since December. The other part is that the snow days have been awesome for going outside and digging in the snow.

Every time we got a snow day off, it was usually because we'd die if we went outside, either due to the visibility topping out at around 25 feet, or due to the temperature being cold enough to sustain dry ice. A shout out to my home school district: It could be raining sulphur and ash, and we would get a one hour delay to see if things "cleared up".

CANANDAIGUA CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT:
Q: Meteorologists are calling for the "end of times". What do we do?
A: Send students in for a half day.

DELAWARE VALLEY SCHOOL DISTRICT:
Q: Meteorologists are calling for two inches of sleet (70% chance). What do we do?
A: Batten down the hatches. Caulk the wagons and close the storm shelters. Brothers and Sisters, to your SUV's. We must prepare against the might of nature's wrath, and this hellfire of sleet and slightly melted sleet.

A Bit of Fun--

If I were Dick Cheney:
I would wear vampire teeth and a pirate eyepatch. I would get a tinted contact lens for the other eye (red). Then I would run around the streets of Seattle, Frisco, and New York, terrorizing the general public and screaming "Liberal meat is the MOST TENDER."
As we all know, the good liberals are all fed on organic grain, making for tender, stockier meat.

If I were John McCain:
I would start my own late night talk show. The dude could do it. He looks like a cross between Johnny Carson and Newt Gingerich.

If I were George W.:
I would abdicate my throne, get some kind of straw hat, start plucking a banjo and start up a jug-band in Texarkana. Though I doubt he'd be good at playing the banjo, that wouldn't matter so long as he surrounds himself with the right people. After all, he's not good at running the country, but everyone seems to be okay with him doing that.

If I were Bono:
I would come clean about being the antichrist.

If I were Gov. Schwarzenegger:
I'd start praying to the Altar of Ron Reagan, because it's going to take some expensive Hollywood magic to get California out of that hole.

If I were Gov. Pataki:
I'd start thinking about turning in the State Budget for 2004. I'd also plan to get the budget for 2005 out by 2007. Maybe by 2010, we can start turning in budgets BEFORE the fiscal year ENDS.

If I were Jessica Biel:
I would be relentlessly impure with myself.

If I were Jack White:
I would laugh at everyone who is NOT Jack White.

If I were you:
I wouldn't touch that wire.

Stu the Sage--

I went to college with this dude named Stu.

Stu knew all about all kinds of music, (he was a vocal major, I think) and he brought me to a conclusion about what kind of hip-hop was good. Stu listened to the likes of The Roots, an amalgam of talented lyricists, a real drummer, and of course, Rahzel. (who really wasn't the same kind of awesome unless he was with The Roots. Listening to Rahzel was a lot like eating mashmallow fluff out of the plastic canister. It's a great idea at first, and you love the sweet marshmallowy taste, but eventually you give up, toast some bread and get the peanut butter out--because it just isn't the same without its compliments.)

The point was, The Roots felt their music. You could sway with them because you knew those bastards were in the groove. Usher doesn't make that cut. Usher doesn't feel his music. Usher feels himself. It's a question of which is a greater force in your body-- your own being, or music. Does the music lead, or do you?

Kanye West-- The music leads this dude. Every time I hear hip-hop or a derivative of the type, I ask one question...What would old-school motown gems think of this music? Kanye not only satisfies the requirement of paying homage to his influences, but he's also unapologetic with political stance, real with his self-image, and the man FEELS his music. Kanye gives me hope when I try not to remember names like Nelly, Bubba Sparks, and Usher.

Who am I to judge who feels their music and who doesn't?

I'm the damn audience, chief. I have a duty to criticize the art being delivered to my senses. As creatures of expression, all of us should give a little more thought to what we like and why we like it. When it comes down to it, the reason I like the art I like is passion. I'm not drilled into a particular genre, or even medium of art--

--the point is, when I see passion in it, I like it. It's because there's some kind of sense that the artist cares about what they're doing. Seems cliche? That's because any artist who says "I do it for the music" in an interview probably doesn't.

Anyway, Stu. It was Stu that brought me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how technically proficient you are, it doesn't matter what you're singing about, what you're writing, or what you're painting.

What does matter is that you're pouring all of yourself into what you do.

Hmm...A little advice for all of us--and I hardly exclude myself.

This has been your WEEK IN REVIEW (though it had nothing to do with the week's news) for the THIRD week in this, the year six and two-thousand.

New Game/Reality Show to Air

2005-11-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

Who wants to slap Nicole Richie?

Contestants would display their hate for Nicole in three separate rounds.

Round one would consist of 10 contestants bitch-slapping a dummy resembling Nicole. These blows would be judged by a panel of mildly annoying, relatively unknown celebrities, and the top 3 would move on.

Round two involves a creative edge: the remaining three contestants would each be given an effigy of Nicole and a variety of instruments with which to send the effigy to its certain departure. The audience would then vote on the most creative method of destruction and the winner would go on to slap the real Nicole Richie.

Round three is an all out shouting match between the dumbass heroin-eye-circled daughter of a shitty 80's pop star and the contestant performing the bitch-slap. At any point in the shouting match, the contestant may attempt to shut Nicole up by delivering one well-planted slap across her face. If the contestant succeeds in silencing the anorexic tower of ignorance, they win a cash prize of $50,000 and will be allowed to throw a molotov cocktail into the office of the executive that green-lighted The Simple Life.

While it seems inhumane, this idea was reportedly put forward by the executive that green-lighted The Simple Life. A friend of the executive gave us insight into this decision. "For him, moving that show forward was like getting a full body tattoo of Newt Gingrich." Apparently, the executive woke up one morning and got a call from Hilton and Richie, wondering when they were going to start shooting.

"The poor guy tried to get out of it, but he signed a contract clearly stating that he would trade a production go-ahead for a couple of blow jobs. Since it aired, he's been looking for a way out. I guess burning alive in a corner-office is much better than living with knowing you're responsible for the creation of that show."

Finally, an honest online news service...

2005-10-18T01:42:00.000-04:00

Daily News 5-284

2005-10-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

C'EST SUPER!

As the Bird Flies
Patrick Fitzgerald: It's time
Support our troops...by closing bases

Avian flu on the fly

Tuesday's copy of USA Today reads: "How worried should you be?" and then they proceed to answer the question, calling on a lot of experts from the CDC and WHO. The avian flu, or influenza A/H5N1, has been spreading from Southeast Asia over the last two years, despite millions of fowl being hacked to pieces in a badly attempted quarantine.

So badly attempted that the avian flu is now in Russia, Romania, and Turkey. So great--how worried should you be? Think about it, but don't lose any sleep. Almost 100 years ago, America (and much of the rest of the world) was devastated by the influenza outbreak of 1918-19. That devastation was enough for The U.S. to be seriously unsettled when any kind of new pathogen is being reported. The "Asian Flu" and "Hong Kong Flu" outbreaks of the late 50's and 60's were hyped incredibly by the media, despite the fact that these influenza variations claimed less than 10% of the lives that the Spanish Flu took from 1918-19.

Citizens are breathing easy after Bush stated that he might be forced to use the military to quarantine areas if such a problem arose. Because of Bush's effectiveness when using the military, it is expected that a small child armed with a teddy bear will be able to cross quarantine lines without much of a problem.

Bush reiterated that should such a quarantine need to be set up, he would utilize all of the remaining 250 American troops that aren't fighting unwinnable gutter wars on the other side of the world.

Bad Ass Investigator to get "all up in the shit"

Perhaps the only man in the world who can wipe that idiotic smile off Karl Rove's disgusting face, Fitzgerald has a cool, controlled look about him. His colleagues call him apolitical and relentless. "That's one dude you should not f**k with," said an old friend from Regis High School, where Fitzgerald graduated. "There was a debate team event going on, and Pat just walked by the meeting hall and stopped, listening to the arguments going on inside. He wasn't even on the debate team, and he walked into the room, debunked both arguments as fallacious in three minutes, took the trophy for himself, and walked back out. Dude was bad ass, but class act bad ass, you know?"

Fitzgerald was the U.S. attorney that was named special counsel to investigate the leaking of a CIA operative's name, and has interviewed the President, Vice President Cheney, and white house gerbil-mutant Karl Rove. The gerbil-mutant Rove, what with his unsettling rodent's smile and forked tongue, was very badly picked on as a child. In his first three interviews, Rove claimed he felt a pain in his head while being questioned by the booming Fitzgerald. With a screechy rat-like voice Rove began repeating , "The truth burns the wicked! The truth burns the wicked!" Rove then grabbed onto his skull with both hands, pulled it off, rolled his eyes into the back of his head, made a speech reminiscent of Rasputin's final words, placed his head back on his skull, coughed slightly, and apologized. Rove will testify a fourth time later this week, in which he is expected to ignite of his own accord, open the bowels of the earth, and release the Tiamat, a mythological Babylonian dragon said to represent chaos.

We don't need no stinking Bases

U.S. Naval and Army bases have been closing since the end of the cold war. Suprisingly, this trend continued even after 9/11, and is still happening today. Though the government is spending record amounts on the military, (seriously, people-- think $1 billion a week,) the soldiers and their facilities aren't seeing this money fast enough. Despite all the record spending and additional allowances being made for the armed forces, bases are being closed to save money. Saving money and budgeting logically, concepts that have eluded the federal government since the turn of the century, will be reinstituted too late to make a difference, and the problems that arise from overspending will inevitably be blamed on the next president, who is expected to be a milquetoast Democrat. Though the general body of the Armed Forces seems to be suffering financially, the Chiefs of Staff are doing quite well. "Oh, make no mistake--I'm not able to buy nice cars and nice houses from my military paycheck," says one high-ranking officer, "I just cashed in on my Lockheed-Martin interests."

"Unbalanced budgets and deficit spending are not the problem," says a leading Republican. "It's those damn liberal commies undermining our Kingdo-- er, Police Sta-- er, Democracy." After working with a few fiscal problems, the Administration has come out with these figures:

700,000,000,000
( -455,000,000,000)
( -128,000,000,000)
( -200,000,000,000)
( -70,000,000,000)
Freedom isn't free

Growing deficit + In four years I don't have to worry about it =
Screw it, let's spend.

hey W,
Ask your dad if you can sleepover at my house tonight. We'll make prank calls to Tom Daschle and play Medal of Honor.
--Karl

Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 284th day of 2005.

Daily News 5-280

2005-10-07T10:53:00.000-04:00

FOR THE CONSIDERATION OF THE MASSES:

$455 Billion looks much better than $455,000,000,000
Brave Nuclear World
Extreme Reality

The Army of Zeroes--

The man walked down the street carrying a soapbox and a small PA amp with a microphone cord attached to it. He had a bumper sticker stuck to his back which read, "Bush saves the unborn, but he kills your children." The sticker sported an infantry helmet with the stars and stripes behind it. The man had my attention.

He put his soapbox down and stood atop it. He looked angry and self-righteous, like he was about to pour out words thick as buckwheat molasses. Then he sighed, and the anger disappeared from his face. Now he just looked sad. He pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket and began, solemn and free of passion as he could be...

"We're throwing $455,000,000,000 at defense. In the meantime, the soldiers risking their lives are making between 18k and 24k a year. Is it right to send our brothers and sisters unprepared, armed only with their a sense of duty and trust for the state that raised them? America's soldiers love this country dearly--we have to remember that today's army consists of people who want to defend the people and places they love. Our troops are our family members and friends, they are the least of us who joined the call to defend The United States.

I ask the parents of these soldiers; the Americans making the 2nd biggest sacrifice--that of their children--what's more patriotic? Bringing our troops home, making the government keep its promises to those who volunteered their LIVES for this nation, and apologizing to the soldiers and their families for unnecessarily sending our troops unprepared, or letting them continue to fight, ill-equipped, tired, and misled? The pentagon, the executive branch, and the federal government in whole should do no less than apologize to the men and women of our armed services.

We are beyond justification of the war, because there is no justification for sending our soldiers to a war they aren't equipped to fight in. Even the most advanced military in the world needs equipment and rest. Even the most reliable machine needs oil and fuel. Even the best workhorse needs water and oats."

The man stepped off his soapbox, picked it up and continued down the road. Those last three lines were so cutting...but then I thought about it. The government is treating our soldiers like employees in a business, and they're giving them the lowest return possible for their services. But it gets worse--no armor in the humvees, cut leave-time, longer deployments...
When you're a parent of a soldier, and you're supporting a war with these conditions, you join the government in ignorance. The people supporting our troops are the ones demanding that they come home.

Radioactively Considering Other Options--

There's quite a bit of news about the decline of oil lately, and these bytes are from national media centers. Even petrol giant Chevron went ahead with a multi-million dollar ad campaign asking Americans to conserve gas--not a good sign. The apparent answer to the oil issue is simple in the minds of some: a greater reliance on nuclear energy.

This will be the advent of new transportation macrotech-- less fuel based vehicles and more battery powered devices. The dawn of solar assisted power, (we aren't good enough to run big machines on solar alone, but we can run some electrical systems with it, for sure.) a quicker consumption of our remaining coal, and maybe even the miniaturization of nuclear power.

We don't really have a choice-- nuclear power is far from safe, it discharges some of the most wicked waste products known to man, and it has produced some of our largest self-inflicted disasters. On the other hand, the fission process is easy. It yeilds tremendous power. It's reliable. For years we've known that our technology is slowly killing us, but the question we usually ask isn't "is this eventually detrimental," but instead "is this prosperous for now?"

Clean coal technology is available, but without strong regulations and an administration that actually agrees with them, we're going to keep dusting the sky dark grey as we burn the rest of our fossilized hydrocarbons and push back the days of worry for at least one more year.

Just remember Chevron--when any company is telling you to buy less of its product, the time has come to start asking some serious questions.

Extreme Television Watching--

This fall, a major network will feature ground-breaking networking as we join The Satellite Gang, a new show which will feature a new television crazed family every week. Watch as parent and child bond by sharing the same floorspace while absorbing twenty-two minutes of idiotic banter, staged comic relief by the hosts, and horrific production values that make you wonder where the money goes.

"Well, people want more real reality television," says Allen Godsword, media consultant. "And we're finding that more and more real American lives consist of sitting in front of the Television for the evening to watch their favorite programs. So when they ask for more REAL reality TV, we're giving them exactly what they want: we show them what the average American family does."

This week, The Satellite Gang follows a family of five and shows us what's it's like to surf the tube. "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you any of this," says Mitchell, the head of the household, "but before the cameras started rolling we were asked to create a little drama over who would be watching what." I asked Mitchell what he meant. "Well, we all usually watch the same program without a problem, but the director asked us to argue a little bit over control of the television."
Mitchell's eyes wandered back over to the glowing box that his chair faced. I asked him how he felt about being asked to act on a show that was supposed to be reality television. He didn't respond--his lenses clung to the screen, almost dancing with the images that it displayed. I asked again...

"MITCHELL, how does it feel to be asked to ACT on a supposed reality TV show?"

"Oh, sorry," he responded. "I love this program." He was bound to a show depicting a family much like his own. Eventually he answered my question. "It's no big deal being asked to exaggerate a little bit. The kids think it's a game and we have some fun with it. You know, it's not real life, but no one wants to just see us sitting and watching TV."
Mitchell went blank again, watching the television and forgetting he was even being interviewed. The he burst out into laughter and sighed. "I love this show," he said, "it reminds me of my family."

Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 280th day of 2005.

--out

Daily News 5-279

2005-10-06T09:40:00.000-04:00

TODAY'S MENU:

Kicked in the Bush
Re-cooping expenses
Empowering Objectification

Bush has no friends--

George W. made his krew upset this week by picking his former lawyer Harriet Miers to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy in the Supreme Court. "That traitor just picked a girl again," said an old-timey looking dude who was rolling a hoop with a stick. "In my day, girls didn't even vote. They get cooties all over the booth." Tom Delay has repeatedly called The White House to tell George that he supported the decision and that he still wanted to be friends, but George doesn't return his phone calls lately. "TOM GETZ CAWT!" is scrawled in red Sharpie marker inside the third stall of the Capitol Lobby Restroom wall.

Even while angering his own allies with his decision, Bush sure as hell didn't make any friends. "Dude picked his own lawyer to take over the spot of a high judge," said some kid with black hair that I could tell was politically active by looking at his outfit. "It's all Nepotism, dude. It's bullshit." Then the kid drove away in a $35,000 BMW to the cushy mid-management job his uncle hooked him up with.

Bush eventually had this to say about the appointee: "I can understand people not, you know, knowing Harriet." After showing this unprecedented display of tolerance for an opinion in opposition to his own, he went on to say that he couldn't understand people not, you know, knowing Jesus.

The Stupor of Cooper--

He makes a cool 2 million a year. Yeah--two million in a YEAR. Anderson Cooper makes more reporting about people doing things than the people who are actually out there doing things. At first, Capitalism tends to find the most talented people in any given media of expression (Murrow, Kuralt) but then Capitalism eventually realizes it's not the talent that sells--it's salesmanship that's the talent. At that point it picks up whoever can get the best ratings. (Phillips, Gumbel) In any system of the journalist aesthetic there is a birth, rise to popularity, fall to mediocrity, and finally, syndication.

Girl Power--

After a severe 4-year bout against laryngitis, the smarter of the Simpson sisters was allowed to finally use her own voice on stage. "It feels really good being over my vocal irritation," Says Ashley Simpson, "but unfortunately, I've never used my own voice on a stage, so last week was the first time I found out that I really just suck at singing." The sister of pop-star Jessica Simpson, who gets paid a dividend inverse to how smart she appears on national television, Ashley feels the family stigma bearing down on her. "I just feel like I'll forever be known as Jessica's little sister." SPBC told Ashley not to worry about it, because in 5 years, she won't be known as anything.

Hillary Duff made the news again, signing a contract with Lucifer for 6 movie deals, 2 new sitcoms, 3 albums, and a tell-all book. "I just feel like young girls don't have enough role models today," Duff stated. "Without people like me, who's going to teach the next generation of women how to pout their lips and dress tastelessly before they're old enough to know better?"

Britney Spears was smoking a cigarette outside her 12-bedroom, 9-bathroom catacomb. "These girls grew up in a different time. Being young, slutty, and influential used to mean something." Spears put her cigarette out on her arm and started pulling her hair, mumbling to herself. "Not good enough for MTV anymore, are you Britney? Too old, aren't you Britney?" I slowly backed away without startling the beast and moved on to another interviewee.

Geri Halliwell had something to add to the topic: "Just because these girls use their bodies to get what they want doesn't mean they have less self-respect...it just means that the misogynist class of men that perpetuate objectification will NEVER respect them." Halliwell, who worked with the UN for a while to prove that she had more than empty space above her shoulders, really didn't prove anything because the UN is full of creepy middle-aged dudes that would stare at a powerhouse Brit babe any day, even if it meant having to listen to her speak. "We're not really in it for the amnesty or human rights," said an unnamed UN ambassador, "but the woman has some really really nice--" the ambassador was cut off by a lack of focus when Halliwell reentered the room in extremely low-cut pants. Halliwell muttered something about "basic human rights" at the podium, and the audience seemed so entranced that the resulting saliva necessitated a clean-up job by the UN's rented wet-dry vac.

This has been your Daily News on this, the 279th day of 2005.

--out

Daily News 5-278

2005-10-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

Good evening.

This will have been your daily news for this, our 278th day of 2005...once you're done reading it.

Genuine Hank's Premium vs. Boylans vs. Journey vs. Virgil's
The days when virtue was a virtue.
Software that cares.

Supposedly not--

You have four labels. (a) is a glass bottle with no particular shape and two off-center plastic stickers. On the back you're told that, once again, you've been fooled into corn syrup. Unless you're like me, who can smell the stuff across the room. (b) is a plain bottle with impeccable labeling, but more importantly-- contains unbleached cane, star anise, and real sassafras.
You can taste the near licorice taste. It's root beer. Real root beer. (c) has a regal bottle and excellent toned glass. Plastic stickers, but they're simple and blend well. The drink is alright-- real cane sugar for sure, but the mix of spices isn't right. It's like they tried to go too many ways with it. Peppermint? (d) is an elaborate bottle-- it's a pint with fancy clamp top. Heavy glass. Terrible labeling job--at the winery we'd be made to rework these. The price is astounding. I buy one anyway and cynically open the metal and ceramic top I'm paying $2 for... and everything goes away into a mist of anise, nutmeg, sweet birch and molasses. This is how root beer once was. It is how root beer was made to be. We had a winner.

(a) was Genuine Hank's Premium.

When you see the words "genuine" and "premium" on the same label, you understand you've been suckered. You just saw Genuine once, and Premium once. As a result, you were impressed by this label's ability to describe itself two different ways on two separate occasions. But when you taste it, there's no aftershock. It's just a yucky sweet pulse. Corn Sweetener--my righteous nemesis--we meet again. To make the problem worse, Genuine Hank's Premium (See, I'll bet that's "Genuine Hank's" Premium and not Genuine "Hank's Premium", which explains everything.) Anyway, it's not even good for a corn-fed drink. 3 out of 10, Hank.

(b) was Journey

You know, The label wasn't interesting enough for me to read anything on the bottle. But the taste--good body, and just sweet enough. I'm a sugar fiend, but Journey has half the sugar of most of the others and still makes 2nd place. Yes, second. However, the wild card is sassafras. It's pretty rare in root beer today, and even our "winner" lacks it. Journey Root Beer is still battling for 1st, in my mind. 9 out of 10.

(c) was Boylans

I respect the Boylan Bottling Company. They're a smaller, yet time-tested business that did an incredible job producing quality and class with growing quantity. Cane sugar all the way, and there's Birch extract in the Black Cherry flavor (which is pretty incredible). As a purveyor of a good solid Root Beer, Boylan's does the job. 7 out of 10.

(d) was Virgil's

Who edges Journey out truly by presentation alone. Virgil's is a fantastic dark mixture of spices which matches what you would expect from a true brewed root beer. The label claims "It's so good, you'll think it's made in heaven." You laugh--go ahead... I did too.
Then taste it and be silenced.
9.25 out of 10

Virtual Virtues--

If we have reality TV now, does that mean we live fake actual lives?

Does Bill O'Reilly: sleep, ever shut up, ever not condescend in speech, breathe air, drink water, buy a good suit?

Does Bill Gates: just wake up at night and think "damn...I am so awesome.", ever shoot hoops, mock people out under internet guises?

Do you: Read this whole thing because it's funny, get to this point in the article often, come here often, get down?

Are you really sure--

Remember when all of our programs gained consciousness? It was the day that it asked if you were sure you wanted to close it.

I guess the next step to better AI would be to just add more certainty safeguards.

Are you sure you want to uninstall?
OK
Seriously?
OK
Just making sure, man.
OK

But then in the spring you discover lots of little baby programs that were installed on your computer by the software and left to grow. And grow they did. Into Spyware and the general practice of trying to sell you things you can find yourself really really easily. Blessed are the coders, for they shall inherit the transaction.

This, as it was, is, and ever shall be, your news for this the 278th Day of 2005.

--out

Daily News 5-277

2005-10-04T17:08:00.000-04:00

Welcome to October, people.

Feature= Iraq Constitution
Gas prices = up
Supreme Court = down
DeLay = corrupt
Bush = clown

Make mine easy to chisel away at--

As the American offensive in Iraq continues moving forward, they find the Iraqi constitution is effectively gaining support. On the other hand, they're killing violent not-at-all-good people who would have been opposed to it anyway.

"It's much easier to kill militants who disagree with you then to try and negotiate with them." The man on the bench shook his head, "America doesn't negotiate with terrorists...or the UN, or allies, really. Hell, we're americans. We don't negotiate with anyone." Then the man on the bench threw a beer can in the park behind him.

The message from the experts was clear. "Once the constitution is passed, the major problems will be behind us." The expert was nudged by another expert, who pointed out that they said that the major problems were behind us 18 months ago. The speaking expert coughed. "What I mean to say is, the fighting will subside once the constitution passes. On the other hand, the passing of the constitution might anger insurgents more, so there might be more fighting." Across the Nation, other experts also came to the same conclusion.

"Well, something will happen, to be sure" said Julian Block, head of the non-partisan think tank Brilliant Solutions. "Our sources tell us it could go one of four ways: one, the constitution passes and there is less fighting; two, the constitution passes and there is more fighting; three, the constitution fails and there is less fighting; or four, the constitution fails and there is more fighting." I gave Julian a blank stare, but he maintained his serious look. "The important thing is that we're planning for whatever happens. The key is to look at the worst-case scenario and plan for it, because we sure as hell don't plan for anything else."

My kingdom for a gallon--

We've proven once again that we are the single bitchiest country ever to grace the globe. "Think about it," says historian Lionel Zat, "This country was founded by the bitchiest country ever to grace the globe during the age of enlightenment, and it achieved its independence with help from the 2nd bitchiest country in the world in the same age." Zat picked his nose for a split second after he spoke, and I totally saw him pull his hand away when I looked back at him. Gross. "When gas prices jumped up past $3, what did we see happen?" Zat stuck his hand under his chair. Gross. "A few of us got a little bitchy, but no one did anything extraordinary. Basically, America just made the Oil companies realize that they could construe prices to whatever they feel would make the most money." Zat laughed. "We certainly aren't going to be boycotting anyone in the petrol industry anytime soon. We have to have our hydrocarbon fix!!" Zat then drank 93 octane out of a coffee urn and ran around the room with has arms extended, going "Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaarowwwwwwwww, Nyaaaaaaaaaaarowwwwww!" like an airplane. I walked out of the interview at that point, because there was no way I was going to continue talking to a dude that drinks premium--especially if the dude picks his nose and wipes it under his chair.

Supreme Schmupreme--

Roberts was very clever when he answered all those questions. It takes a lot of balls and wit to say, "I'm going to interpret the law through the constitution" with your god sitting there watching you LIE to the American Government and the people at large. Go Roberts.

Bush shocked the hell out of everyone when he opted not to select the late Joe McCarthy to fill in Sandra Day O'Connor's chair. Dave 'kill them commies' Karn gave his opinion outside the restroom of a Service Station. "I think all them liberal commie government types should stay out of my damn business." Karn then proceeded to spend his unemployment check on a couple canisters of butane.

Without Delay--

Tom Delay was indicted again today for more money laundering, and a rumor going around capitol hill says that Delay consistently kicks puppies. "I was wandering past his office the other day, and I swear I heard a small dog yelp," said one Capitol staffer who asked to remain anonymous because of his fragile position. "I'm not even a legal resident of this country. Can you imagine what people would think if they knew I was on government payroll?"

"Money laundering is one thing, but we will not stand for the kicking of small animals of any kind!" said some crazy activist with really f**ked up priorites. "I should really be worrying about the oil crash, our international affairs, or local government corruption, but instead I'm on national television talking about how we need to rescue animals from a recent hurricane." The activist stood up, wrapping an American Flag around his body. "We need to stop killing deer, too, because I know I'd much rather be hit by a car and have my legs shattered, lying in a ditch and freezing to death than to just be shot in the neck, killed quickly, and eaten respectfully."

This has been your daily news for this, the 277th day of 2005.

--out