Special: In Defense of Dubya

Rolling Stone's 999th issue has art of our president sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on. The article inside has a historian giving reasons as to why George W. Bush may be the worst president we've ever had. After reading the article, I can't say I disagree.

However, I hold fast to what I've been saying since 2002. Our president is not a bad person. He's simply a terrible president and a piss poor leader. With my limited knowledge of Dubya's life, let me try and recreate his motivations, his determination, and his good intentions sinking in the bog of his pre-presidential charmed life and subsequent failure as a national leader.

Pre-Prez Days

First off, Bush was the eldest son of his family. As is the way of tradition, in rich families (nobility,) the eldest son is expected to fill the shoes of his father, so even in his youth Bush felt tremendous pressure to succeed, from generations of the Bush family dating to colonial times, and the honorable Fairbanks name from which they came.

Despite lacking ability in the academic world, Bush went to prep school before attending college at Yale, where he recieved a Bachelor of Arts in History. This was a tremendous success for Dubya, considering his strong C-average. Yale accepted Bush not for his academic excellence, but for his fortitude of spirit.

Following his Yale career, Bush spent time in the Texas Air National Guard defending the Gulf Coast, should the bloodthirsty peoples of the Carribean have assualted our nation during the conflict overseas in Vietnam.

After a short yet glorious military career in which he achieved the rank of First Lieutenant, Bush returned to a much needed educational environment at Harvard, where he received his MBA.

Despite all this, his successes in the worlds of academics, commerce, and defense could not match his father's. This gave Bush the determination he needed to enter politics and not only match up with, but surpass George Sr.'s achievements.

Jesus Saves

As he would probably tell you, George Bush isn't a good man because of George Bush. He's a good man because of Jesus. Ever since he gave his life to the 2000-year-old messiah in 1986, he's been following Christ's teachings to the letter.

Under his governorship of Texas, Bush oversaw the execution of 150 people, including one Karla Faye Tucker who pleaded for clemency on the grounds that she was born again. Bush's response? Openly mocking her plea by relating a pouted face and the words "Please don't kill me."

What would Jesus do? Well, to be fair, if he grew up in Texas with a wealthy family (and was never taught values like hard work, forgiveness, and humanity), Jesus probably would have fried people in the ol' brain scrambler and made fun of their requests for mercy, too.

Bush is steadfast in his peity. Considering his past, it's no wonder that he clings so closely to the hope of a happy afterlife through repentance. No other action in his life would save him from protestant hellfire.

Good Humor

Bush's single most redeeming quality is his ability to find laughter and the positive side in any situation, whether that means showing the lighter side of executing criminals, or being optimistic about seeing the light at the end of the infinitely narrow tunnel of Iraq.

Bush has the ability to make us laugh as well. All it takes is for one to listen to an improv of Dubya going off script during one of his speeches. While some people compare Dubya to an almost Orwellian tyrant, the opposite is true. If we recall 1984, Big Brother kept removing words from the dictionary. Dubya says NO! We should ADD words to the dictionary. If nothing else, this proves Dubya's commitment to freedom of speech--being able to say whatever you want to say on national television during an address to the Nation, even if what you're saying doesn't make grammatical sense.

See, Bush isn't all bad. He may not do the right things for America and he may not really follow Jesus, but he sure has confessed his love for both repeatedly. It's the intention that counts. Most important is his personal defense of freedom of speech--he isn't afraid to say things that would otherwise make our president appear as if he didn't ever receive his high school diploma.

There are worse things than Bush. Many of them involve salt, open wounds, and cattle prods.