WEEK 3 REVIEW

Ladies and gentlemen, this your WEEK IN REVIEW for the third week of this year, ending January 21st, 2006.

Whither Weather?
If I were...(Vol. 1)
Art: An Introduction


Winter Gets Wheezy--

I'm not one to talk about global warming as if it were the cause of any natural disaster we face, but I'm also not one to say global warming doesn't exist. Here's the deal though--I've never seen a winter this mild. Maybe it's well within the standard deviation, and I just don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems to me that there's been some kind of interesting weather pattern happening from November until today...

Day one: Warm. (60)
Day two: Mild. (50)
Day three: Really Warm. (65)
Day four: Crappy. (45)
Day five: Cold. (20)
Day six: Chilly. (35)
Day seven: Crappy. (45)
Day eight: (GOTO Day one)

I don't really remember this kind of winter. What's really unfair about all this is that the kids here have gotten one snow day for every two weeks of school since December. The other part is that the snow days have been awesome for going outside and digging in the snow.

Every time we got a snow day off, it was usually because we'd die if we went outside, either due to the visibility topping out at around 25 feet, or due to the temperature being cold enough to sustain dry ice. A shout out to my home school district: It could be raining sulphur and ash, and we would get a one hour delay to see if things "cleared up".

CANANDAIGUA CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT:
Q: Meteorologists are calling for the "end of times". What do we do?
A: Send students in for a half day.

DELAWARE VALLEY SCHOOL DISTRICT:
Q: Meteorologists are calling for two inches of sleet (70% chance). What do we do?
A: Batten down the hatches. Caulk the wagons and close the storm shelters. Brothers and Sisters, to your SUV's. We must prepare against the might of nature's wrath, and this hellfire of sleet and slightly melted sleet.


A Bit of Fun--

If I were Dick Cheney:
I would wear vampire teeth and a pirate eyepatch. I would get a tinted contact lens for the other eye (red). Then I would run around the streets of Seattle, Frisco, and New York, terrorizing the general public and screaming "Liberal meat is the MOST TENDER."
As we all know, the good liberals are all fed on organic grain, making for tender, stockier meat.

If I were John McCain:
I would start my own late night talk show. The dude could do it. He looks like a cross between Johnny Carson and Newt Gingerich.

If I were George W.:
I would abdicate my throne, get some kind of straw hat, start plucking a banjo and start up a jug-band in Texarkana. Though I doubt he'd be good at playing the banjo, that wouldn't matter so long as he surrounds himself with the right people. After all, he's not good at running the country, but everyone seems to be okay with him doing that.

If I were Bono:
I would come clean about being the antichrist.

If I were Gov. Schwarzenegger:
I'd start praying to the Altar of Ron Reagan, because it's going to take some expensive Hollywood magic to get California out of that hole.

If I were Gov. Pataki:
I'd start thinking about turning in the State Budget for 2004. I'd also plan to get the budget for 2005 out by 2007. Maybe by 2010, we can start turning in budgets BEFORE the fiscal year ENDS.

If I were Jessica Biel:
I would be relentlessly impure with myself.

If I were Jack White:
I would laugh at everyone who is NOT Jack White.

If I were you:
I wouldn't touch that wire.


Stu the Sage--

I went to college with this dude named Stu.

Stu knew all about all kinds of music, (he was a vocal major, I think) and he brought me to a conclusion about what kind of hip-hop was good. Stu listened to the likes of The Roots, an amalgam of talented lyricists, a real drummer, and of course, Rahzel. (who really wasn't the same kind of awesome unless he was with The Roots. Listening to Rahzel was a lot like eating mashmallow fluff out of the plastic canister. It's a great idea at first, and you love the sweet marshmallowy taste, but eventually you give up, toast some bread and get the peanut butter out--because it just isn't the same without its compliments.)

The point was, The Roots felt their music. You could sway with them because you knew those bastards were in the groove. Usher doesn't make that cut. Usher doesn't feel his music. Usher feels himself. It's a question of which is a greater force in your body-- your own being, or music. Does the music lead, or do you?

Kanye West-- The music leads this dude. Every time I hear hip-hop or a derivative of the type, I ask one question...What would old-school motown gems think of this music? Kanye not only satisfies the requirement of paying homage to his influences, but he's also unapologetic with political stance, real with his self-image, and the man FEELS his music. Kanye gives me hope when I try not to remember names like Nelly, Bubba Sparks, and Usher.

Who am I to judge who feels their music and who doesn't?

I'm the damn audience, chief. I have a duty to criticize the art being delivered to my senses. As creatures of expression, all of us should give a little more thought to what we like and why we like it. When it comes down to it, the reason I like the art I like is passion. I'm not drilled into a particular genre, or even medium of art--

--the point is, when I see passion in it, I like it. It's because there's some kind of sense that the artist cares about what they're doing. Seems cliche? That's because any artist who says "I do it for the music" in an interview probably doesn't.

Anyway, Stu. It was Stu that brought me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how technically proficient you are, it doesn't matter what you're singing about, what you're writing, or what you're painting.

What does matter is that you're pouring all of yourself into what you do.

Hmm...A little advice for all of us--and I hardly exclude myself.

This has been your WEEK IN REVIEW (though it had nothing to do with the week's news) for the THIRD week in this, the year six and two-thousand.