Daily News 5-284

C'EST SUPER!

As the Bird Flies
Patrick Fitzgerald: It's time
Support our troops...by closing bases

Avian flu on the fly

Tuesday's copy of USA Today reads: "How worried should you be?" and then they proceed to answer the question, calling on a lot of experts from the CDC and WHO. The avian flu, or influenza A/H5N1, has been spreading from Southeast Asia over the last two years, despite millions of fowl being hacked to pieces in a badly attempted quarantine.

So badly attempted that the avian flu is now in Russia, Romania, and Turkey. So great--how worried should you be? Think about it, but don't lose any sleep. Almost 100 years ago, America (and much of the rest of the world) was devastated by the influenza outbreak of 1918-19. That devastation was enough for The U.S. to be seriously unsettled when any kind of new pathogen is being reported. The "Asian Flu" and "Hong Kong Flu" outbreaks of the late 50's and 60's were hyped incredibly by the media, despite the fact that these influenza variations claimed less than 10% of the lives that the Spanish Flu took from 1918-19.

Citizens are breathing easy after Bush stated that he might be forced to use the military to quarantine areas if such a problem arose. Because of Bush's effectiveness when using the military, it is expected that a small child armed with a teddy bear will be able to cross quarantine lines without much of a problem.

Bush reiterated that should such a quarantine need to be set up, he would utilize all of the remaining 250 American troops that aren't fighting unwinnable gutter wars on the other side of the world.

Bad Ass Investigator to get "all up in the shit"

Perhaps the only man in the world who can wipe that idiotic smile off Karl Rove's disgusting face, Fitzgerald has a cool, controlled look about him. His colleagues call him apolitical and relentless. "That's one dude you should not f**k with," said an old friend from Regis High School, where Fitzgerald graduated. "There was a debate team event going on, and Pat just walked by the meeting hall and stopped, listening to the arguments going on inside. He wasn't even on the debate team, and he walked into the room, debunked both arguments as fallacious in three minutes, took the trophy for himself, and walked back out. Dude was bad ass, but class act bad ass, you know?"

Fitzgerald was the U.S. attorney that was named special counsel to investigate the leaking of a CIA operative's name, and has interviewed the President, Vice President Cheney, and white house gerbil-mutant Karl Rove. The gerbil-mutant Rove, what with his unsettling rodent's smile and forked tongue, was very badly picked on as a child. In his first three interviews, Rove claimed he felt a pain in his head while being questioned by the booming Fitzgerald. With a screechy rat-like voice Rove began repeating , "The truth burns the wicked! The truth burns the wicked!" Rove then grabbed onto his skull with both hands, pulled it off, rolled his eyes into the back of his head, made a speech reminiscent of Rasputin's final words, placed his head back on his skull, coughed slightly, and apologized. Rove will testify a fourth time later this week, in which he is expected to ignite of his own accord, open the bowels of the earth, and release the Tiamat, a mythological Babylonian dragon said to represent chaos.

We don't need no stinking Bases

U.S. Naval and Army bases have been closing since the end of the cold war. Suprisingly, this trend continued even after 9/11, and is still happening today. Though the government is spending record amounts on the military, (seriously, people-- think $1 billion a week,) the soldiers and their facilities aren't seeing this money fast enough. Despite all the record spending and additional allowances being made for the armed forces, bases are being closed to save money. Saving money and budgeting logically, concepts that have eluded the federal government since the turn of the century, will be reinstituted too late to make a difference, and the problems that arise from overspending will inevitably be blamed on the next president, who is expected to be a milquetoast Democrat. Though the general body of the Armed Forces seems to be suffering financially, the Chiefs of Staff are doing quite well. "Oh, make no mistake--I'm not able to buy nice cars and nice houses from my military paycheck," says one high-ranking officer, "I just cashed in on my Lockheed-Martin interests."

"Unbalanced budgets and deficit spending are not the problem," says a leading Republican. "It's those damn liberal commies undermining our Kingdo-- er, Police Sta-- er, Democracy." After working with a few fiscal problems, the Administration has come out with these figures:

700,000,000,000
( -455,000,000,000)
( -128,000,000,000)
( -200,000,000,000)
( -70,000,000,000)
Freedom isn't free

Growing deficit + In four years I don't have to worry about it =
Screw it, let's spend.

hey W,
Ask your dad if you can sleepover at my house tonight. We'll make prank calls to Tom Daschle and play Medal of Honor.
--Karl


Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 284th day of 2005.