Daily News 5-279

TODAY'S MENU:

Kicked in the Bush
Re-cooping expenses
Empowering Objectification


Bush has no friends--

George W. made his krew upset this week by picking his former lawyer Harriet Miers to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy in the Supreme Court. "That traitor just picked a girl again," said an old-timey looking dude who was rolling a hoop with a stick. "In my day, girls didn't even vote. They get cooties all over the booth." Tom Delay has repeatedly called The White House to tell George that he supported the decision and that he still wanted to be friends, but George doesn't return his phone calls lately. "TOM GETZ CAWT!" is scrawled in red Sharpie marker inside the third stall of the Capitol Lobby Restroom wall.

Even while angering his own allies with his decision, Bush sure as hell didn't make any friends. "Dude picked his own lawyer to take over the spot of a high judge," said some kid with black hair that I could tell was politically active by looking at his outfit. "It's all Nepotism, dude. It's bullshit." Then the kid drove away in a $35,000 BMW to the cushy mid-management job his uncle hooked him up with.

Bush eventually had this to say about the appointee: "I can understand people not, you know, knowing Harriet." After showing this unprecedented display of tolerance for an opinion in opposition to his own, he went on to say that he couldn't understand people not, you know, knowing Jesus.

The Stupor of Cooper--

He makes a cool 2 million a year. Yeah--two million in a YEAR. Anderson Cooper makes more reporting about people doing things than the people who are actually out there doing things. At first, Capitalism tends to find the most talented people in any given media of expression (Murrow, Kuralt) but then Capitalism eventually realizes it's not the talent that sells--it's salesmanship that's the talent. At that point it picks up whoever can get the best ratings. (Phillips, Gumbel) In any system of the journalist aesthetic there is a birth, rise to popularity, fall to mediocrity, and finally, syndication.

Girl Power--

After a severe 4-year bout against laryngitis, the smarter of the Simpson sisters was allowed to finally use her own voice on stage. "It feels really good being over my vocal irritation," Says Ashley Simpson, "but unfortunately, I've never used my own voice on a stage, so last week was the first time I found out that I really just suck at singing." The sister of pop-star Jessica Simpson, who gets paid a dividend inverse to how smart she appears on national television, Ashley feels the family stigma bearing down on her. "I just feel like I'll forever be known as Jessica's little sister." SPBC told Ashley not to worry about it, because in 5 years, she won't be known as anything.

Hillary Duff made the news again, signing a contract with Lucifer for 6 movie deals, 2 new sitcoms, 3 albums, and a tell-all book. "I just feel like young girls don't have enough role models today," Duff stated. "Without people like me, who's going to teach the next generation of women how to pout their lips and dress tastelessly before they're old enough to know better?"

Britney Spears was smoking a cigarette outside her 12-bedroom, 9-bathroom catacomb. "These girls grew up in a different time. Being young, slutty, and influential used to mean something." Spears put her cigarette out on her arm and started pulling her hair, mumbling to herself. "Not good enough for MTV anymore, are you Britney? Too old, aren't you Britney?" I slowly backed away without startling the beast and moved on to another interviewee.

Geri Halliwell had something to add to the topic: "Just because these girls use their bodies to get what they want doesn't mean they have less self-respect...it just means that the misogynist class of men that perpetuate objectification will NEVER respect them." Halliwell, who worked with the UN for a while to prove that she had more than empty space above her shoulders, really didn't prove anything because the UN is full of creepy middle-aged dudes that would stare at a powerhouse Brit babe any day, even if it meant having to listen to her speak. "We're not really in it for the amnesty or human rights," said an unnamed UN ambassador, "but the woman has some really really nice--" the ambassador was cut off by a lack of focus when Halliwell reentered the room in extremely low-cut pants. Halliwell muttered something about "basic human rights" at the podium, and the audience seemed so entranced that the resulting saliva necessitated a clean-up job by the UN's rented wet-dry vac.

This has been your Daily News on this, the 279th day of 2005.

--out