Daily News 5-277

Welcome to October, people.

Feature= Iraq Constitution
Gas prices = up
Supreme Court = down
DeLay = corrupt
Bush = clown

Make mine easy to chisel away at--

As the American offensive in Iraq continues moving forward, they find the Iraqi constitution is effectively gaining support. On the other hand, they're killing violent not-at-all-good people who would have been opposed to it anyway.

"It's much easier to kill militants who disagree with you then to try and negotiate with them." The man on the bench shook his head, "America doesn't negotiate with terrorists...or the UN, or allies, really. Hell, we're americans. We don't negotiate with anyone." Then the man on the bench threw a beer can in the park behind him.

The message from the experts was clear. "Once the constitution is passed, the major problems will be behind us." The expert was nudged by another expert, who pointed out that they said that the major problems were behind us 18 months ago. The speaking expert coughed. "What I mean to say is, the fighting will subside once the constitution passes. On the other hand, the passing of the constitution might anger insurgents more, so there might be more fighting." Across the Nation, other experts also came to the same conclusion.

"Well, something will happen, to be sure" said Julian Block, head of the non-partisan think tank Brilliant Solutions. "Our sources tell us it could go one of four ways: one, the constitution passes and there is less fighting; two, the constitution passes and there is more fighting; three, the constitution fails and there is less fighting; or four, the constitution fails and there is more fighting." I gave Julian a blank stare, but he maintained his serious look. "The important thing is that we're planning for whatever happens. The key is to look at the worst-case scenario and plan for it, because we sure as hell don't plan for anything else."

My kingdom for a gallon--

We've proven once again that we are the single bitchiest country ever to grace the globe. "Think about it," says historian Lionel Zat, "This country was founded by the bitchiest country ever to grace the globe during the age of enlightenment, and it achieved its independence with help from the 2nd bitchiest country in the world in the same age." Zat picked his nose for a split second after he spoke, and I totally saw him pull his hand away when I looked back at him. Gross. "When gas prices jumped up past $3, what did we see happen?" Zat stuck his hand under his chair. Gross. "A few of us got a little bitchy, but no one did anything extraordinary. Basically, America just made the Oil companies realize that they could construe prices to whatever they feel would make the most money." Zat laughed. "We certainly aren't going to be boycotting anyone in the petrol industry anytime soon. We have to have our hydrocarbon fix!!" Zat then drank 93 octane out of a coffee urn and ran around the room with has arms extended, going "Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaarowwwwwwwww, Nyaaaaaaaaaaarowwwwww!" like an airplane. I walked out of the interview at that point, because there was no way I was going to continue talking to a dude that drinks premium--especially if the dude picks his nose and wipes it under his chair.

Supreme Schmupreme--

Roberts was very clever when he answered all those questions. It takes a lot of balls and wit to say, "I'm going to interpret the law through the constitution" with your god sitting there watching you LIE to the American Government and the people at large. Go Roberts.

Bush shocked the hell out of everyone when he opted not to select the late Joe McCarthy to fill in Sandra Day O'Connor's chair. Dave 'kill them commies' Karn gave his opinion outside the restroom of a Service Station. "I think all them liberal commie government types should stay out of my damn business." Karn then proceeded to spend his unemployment check on a couple canisters of butane.

Without Delay--

Tom Delay was indicted again today for more money laundering, and a rumor going around capitol hill says that Delay consistently kicks puppies. "I was wandering past his office the other day, and I swear I heard a small dog yelp," said one Capitol staffer who asked to remain anonymous because of his fragile position. "I'm not even a legal resident of this country. Can you imagine what people would think if they knew I was on government payroll?"

"Money laundering is one thing, but we will not stand for the kicking of small animals of any kind!" said some crazy activist with really f**ked up priorites. "I should really be worrying about the oil crash, our international affairs, or local government corruption, but instead I'm on national television talking about how we need to rescue animals from a recent hurricane." The activist stood up, wrapping an American Flag around his body. "We need to stop killing deer, too, because I know I'd much rather be hit by a car and have my legs shattered, lying in a ditch and freezing to death than to just be shot in the neck, killed quickly, and eaten respectfully."

This has been your daily news for this, the 277th day of 2005.

--out