Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Daily News 5-284
C'EST SUPER!
As the Bird Flies
Patrick Fitzgerald: It's time
Support our troops...by closing bases
Avian flu on the fly
Tuesday's copy of USA Today reads: "How worried should you be?" and then they proceed to answer the question, calling on a lot of experts from the CDC and WHO. The avian flu, or influenza A/H5N1, has been spreading from Southeast Asia over the last two years, despite millions of fowl being hacked to pieces in a badly attempted quarantine.
So badly attempted that the avian flu is now in Russia, Romania, and Turkey. So great--how worried should you be? Think about it, but don't lose any sleep. Almost 100 years ago, America (and much of the rest of the world) was devastated by the influenza outbreak of 1918-19. That devastation was enough for The U.S. to be seriously unsettled when any kind of new pathogen is being reported. The "Asian Flu" and "Hong Kong Flu" outbreaks of the late 50's and 60's were hyped incredibly by the media, despite the fact that these influenza variations claimed less than 10% of the lives that the Spanish Flu took from 1918-19.
Citizens are breathing easy after Bush stated that he might be forced to use the military to quarantine areas if such a problem arose. Because of Bush's effectiveness when using the military, it is expected that a small child armed with a teddy bear will be able to cross quarantine lines without much of a problem.
Bush reiterated that should such a quarantine need to be set up, he would utilize all of the remaining 250 American troops that aren't fighting unwinnable gutter wars on the other side of the world.
Bad Ass Investigator to get "all up in the shit"
Perhaps the only man in the world who can wipe that idiotic smile off Karl Rove's disgusting face, Fitzgerald has a cool, controlled look about him. His colleagues call him apolitical and relentless. "That's one dude you should not f**k with," said an old friend from Regis High School, where Fitzgerald graduated. "There was a debate team event going on, and Pat just walked by the meeting hall and stopped, listening to the arguments going on inside. He wasn't even on the debate team, and he walked into the room, debunked both arguments as fallacious in three minutes, took the trophy for himself, and walked back out. Dude was bad ass, but class act bad ass, you know?"
Fitzgerald was the U.S. attorney that was named special counsel to investigate the leaking of a CIA operative's name, and has interviewed the President, Vice President Cheney, and white house gerbil-mutant Karl Rove. The gerbil-mutant Rove, what with his unsettling rodent's smile and forked tongue, was very badly picked on as a child. In his first three interviews, Rove claimed he felt a pain in his head while being questioned by the booming Fitzgerald. With a screechy rat-like voice Rove began repeating , "The truth burns the wicked! The truth burns the wicked!" Rove then grabbed onto his skull with both hands, pulled it off, rolled his eyes into the back of his head, made a speech reminiscent of Rasputin's final words, placed his head back on his skull, coughed slightly, and apologized. Rove will testify a fourth time later this week, in which he is expected to ignite of his own accord, open the bowels of the earth, and release the Tiamat, a mythological Babylonian dragon said to represent chaos.
We don't need no stinking Bases
U.S. Naval and Army bases have been closing since the end of the cold war. Suprisingly, this trend continued even after 9/11, and is still happening today. Though the government is spending record amounts on the military, (seriously, people-- think $1 billion a week,) the soldiers and their facilities aren't seeing this money fast enough. Despite all the record spending and additional allowances being made for the armed forces, bases are being closed to save money. Saving money and budgeting logically, concepts that have eluded the federal government since the turn of the century, will be reinstituted too late to make a difference, and the problems that arise from overspending will inevitably be blamed on the next president, who is expected to be a milquetoast Democrat. Though the general body of the Armed Forces seems to be suffering financially, the Chiefs of Staff are doing quite well. "Oh, make no mistake--I'm not able to buy nice cars and nice houses from my military paycheck," says one high-ranking officer, "I just cashed in on my Lockheed-Martin interests."
"Unbalanced budgets and deficit spending are not the problem," says a leading Republican. "It's those damn liberal commies undermining our Kingdo-- er, Police Sta-- er, Democracy." After working with a few fiscal problems, the Administration has come out with these figures:
700,000,000,000
( -455,000,000,000)
( -128,000,000,000)
( -200,000,000,000)
( -70,000,000,000)
Freedom isn't free
Growing deficit + In four years I don't have to worry about it =
Screw it, let's spend.
hey W,
Ask your dad if you can sleepover at my house tonight. We'll make prank calls to Tom Daschle and play Medal of Honor.
--Karl
Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 284th day of 2005.
As the Bird Flies
Patrick Fitzgerald: It's time
Support our troops...by closing bases
Avian flu on the fly
Tuesday's copy of USA Today reads: "How worried should you be?" and then they proceed to answer the question, calling on a lot of experts from the CDC and WHO. The avian flu, or influenza A/H5N1, has been spreading from Southeast Asia over the last two years, despite millions of fowl being hacked to pieces in a badly attempted quarantine.
So badly attempted that the avian flu is now in Russia, Romania, and Turkey. So great--how worried should you be? Think about it, but don't lose any sleep. Almost 100 years ago, America (and much of the rest of the world) was devastated by the influenza outbreak of 1918-19. That devastation was enough for The U.S. to be seriously unsettled when any kind of new pathogen is being reported. The "Asian Flu" and "Hong Kong Flu" outbreaks of the late 50's and 60's were hyped incredibly by the media, despite the fact that these influenza variations claimed less than 10% of the lives that the Spanish Flu took from 1918-19.
Citizens are breathing easy after Bush stated that he might be forced to use the military to quarantine areas if such a problem arose. Because of Bush's effectiveness when using the military, it is expected that a small child armed with a teddy bear will be able to cross quarantine lines without much of a problem.
Bush reiterated that should such a quarantine need to be set up, he would utilize all of the remaining 250 American troops that aren't fighting unwinnable gutter wars on the other side of the world.
Bad Ass Investigator to get "all up in the shit"
Perhaps the only man in the world who can wipe that idiotic smile off Karl Rove's disgusting face, Fitzgerald has a cool, controlled look about him. His colleagues call him apolitical and relentless. "That's one dude you should not f**k with," said an old friend from Regis High School, where Fitzgerald graduated. "There was a debate team event going on, and Pat just walked by the meeting hall and stopped, listening to the arguments going on inside. He wasn't even on the debate team, and he walked into the room, debunked both arguments as fallacious in three minutes, took the trophy for himself, and walked back out. Dude was bad ass, but class act bad ass, you know?"
Fitzgerald was the U.S. attorney that was named special counsel to investigate the leaking of a CIA operative's name, and has interviewed the President, Vice President Cheney, and white house gerbil-mutant Karl Rove. The gerbil-mutant Rove, what with his unsettling rodent's smile and forked tongue, was very badly picked on as a child. In his first three interviews, Rove claimed he felt a pain in his head while being questioned by the booming Fitzgerald. With a screechy rat-like voice Rove began repeating , "The truth burns the wicked! The truth burns the wicked!" Rove then grabbed onto his skull with both hands, pulled it off, rolled his eyes into the back of his head, made a speech reminiscent of Rasputin's final words, placed his head back on his skull, coughed slightly, and apologized. Rove will testify a fourth time later this week, in which he is expected to ignite of his own accord, open the bowels of the earth, and release the Tiamat, a mythological Babylonian dragon said to represent chaos.
We don't need no stinking Bases
U.S. Naval and Army bases have been closing since the end of the cold war. Suprisingly, this trend continued even after 9/11, and is still happening today. Though the government is spending record amounts on the military, (seriously, people-- think $1 billion a week,) the soldiers and their facilities aren't seeing this money fast enough. Despite all the record spending and additional allowances being made for the armed forces, bases are being closed to save money. Saving money and budgeting logically, concepts that have eluded the federal government since the turn of the century, will be reinstituted too late to make a difference, and the problems that arise from overspending will inevitably be blamed on the next president, who is expected to be a milquetoast Democrat. Though the general body of the Armed Forces seems to be suffering financially, the Chiefs of Staff are doing quite well. "Oh, make no mistake--I'm not able to buy nice cars and nice houses from my military paycheck," says one high-ranking officer, "I just cashed in on my Lockheed-Martin interests."
"Unbalanced budgets and deficit spending are not the problem," says a leading Republican. "It's those damn liberal commies undermining our Kingdo-- er, Police Sta-- er, Democracy." After working with a few fiscal problems, the Administration has come out with these figures:
700,000,000,000
( -455,000,000,000)
( -128,000,000,000)
( -200,000,000,000)
( -70,000,000,000)
Freedom isn't free
Growing deficit + In four years I don't have to worry about it =
Screw it, let's spend.
hey W,
Ask your dad if you can sleepover at my house tonight. We'll make prank calls to Tom Daschle and play Medal of Honor.
--Karl
Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 284th day of 2005.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Daily News 5-280
FOR THE CONSIDERATION OF THE MASSES:
$455 Billion looks much better than $455,000,000,000
Brave Nuclear World
Extreme Reality
The Army of Zeroes--
The man walked down the street carrying a soapbox and a small PA amp with a microphone cord attached to it. He had a bumper sticker stuck to his back which read, "Bush saves the unborn, but he kills your children." The sticker sported an infantry helmet with the stars and stripes behind it. The man had my attention.
He put his soapbox down and stood atop it. He looked angry and self-righteous, like he was about to pour out words thick as buckwheat molasses. Then he sighed, and the anger disappeared from his face. Now he just looked sad. He pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket and began, solemn and free of passion as he could be...
"We're throwing $455,000,000,000 at defense. In the meantime, the soldiers risking their lives are making between 18k and 24k a year. Is it right to send our brothers and sisters unprepared, armed only with their a sense of duty and trust for the state that raised them? America's soldiers love this country dearly--we have to remember that today's army consists of people who want to defend the people and places they love. Our troops are our family members and friends, they are the least of us who joined the call to defend The United States.
I ask the parents of these soldiers; the Americans making the 2nd biggest sacrifice--that of their children--what's more patriotic? Bringing our troops home, making the government keep its promises to those who volunteered their LIVES for this nation, and apologizing to the soldiers and their families for unnecessarily sending our troops unprepared, or letting them continue to fight, ill-equipped, tired, and misled? The pentagon, the executive branch, and the federal government in whole should do no less than apologize to the men and women of our armed services.
We are beyond justification of the war, because there is no justification for sending our soldiers to a war they aren't equipped to fight in. Even the most advanced military in the world needs equipment and rest. Even the most reliable machine needs oil and fuel. Even the best workhorse needs water and oats."
The man stepped off his soapbox, picked it up and continued down the road. Those last three lines were so cutting...but then I thought about it. The government is treating our soldiers like employees in a business, and they're giving them the lowest return possible for their services. But it gets worse--no armor in the humvees, cut leave-time, longer deployments...
When you're a parent of a soldier, and you're supporting a war with these conditions, you join the government in ignorance. The people supporting our troops are the ones demanding that they come home.
Radioactively Considering Other Options--
There's quite a bit of news about the decline of oil lately, and these bytes are from national media centers. Even petrol giant Chevron went ahead with a multi-million dollar ad campaign asking Americans to conserve gas--not a good sign. The apparent answer to the oil issue is simple in the minds of some: a greater reliance on nuclear energy.
This will be the advent of new transportation macrotech-- less fuel based vehicles and more battery powered devices. The dawn of solar assisted power, (we aren't good enough to run big machines on solar alone, but we can run some electrical systems with it, for sure.) a quicker consumption of our remaining coal, and maybe even the miniaturization of nuclear power.
We don't really have a choice-- nuclear power is far from safe, it discharges some of the most wicked waste products known to man, and it has produced some of our largest self-inflicted disasters. On the other hand, the fission process is easy. It yeilds tremendous power. It's reliable. For years we've known that our technology is slowly killing us, but the question we usually ask isn't "is this eventually detrimental," but instead "is this prosperous for now?"
Clean coal technology is available, but without strong regulations and an administration that actually agrees with them, we're going to keep dusting the sky dark grey as we burn the rest of our fossilized hydrocarbons and push back the days of worry for at least one more year.
Just remember Chevron--when any company is telling you to buy less of its product, the time has come to start asking some serious questions.
Extreme Television Watching--
This fall, a major network will feature ground-breaking networking as we join The Satellite Gang, a new show which will feature a new television crazed family every week. Watch as parent and child bond by sharing the same floorspace while absorbing twenty-two minutes of idiotic banter, staged comic relief by the hosts, and horrific production values that make you wonder where the money goes.
"Well, people want more real reality television," says Allen Godsword, media consultant. "And we're finding that more and more real American lives consist of sitting in front of the Television for the evening to watch their favorite programs. So when they ask for more REAL reality TV, we're giving them exactly what they want: we show them what the average American family does."
This week, The Satellite Gang follows a family of five and shows us what's it's like to surf the tube. "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you any of this," says Mitchell, the head of the household, "but before the cameras started rolling we were asked to create a little drama over who would be watching what." I asked Mitchell what he meant. "Well, we all usually watch the same program without a problem, but the director asked us to argue a little bit over control of the television."
Mitchell's eyes wandered back over to the glowing box that his chair faced. I asked him how he felt about being asked to act on a show that was supposed to be reality television. He didn't respond--his lenses clung to the screen, almost dancing with the images that it displayed. I asked again...
"MITCHELL, how does it feel to be asked to ACT on a supposed reality TV show?"
"Oh, sorry," he responded. "I love this program." He was bound to a show depicting a family much like his own. Eventually he answered my question. "It's no big deal being asked to exaggerate a little bit. The kids think it's a game and we have some fun with it. You know, it's not real life, but no one wants to just see us sitting and watching TV."
Mitchell went blank again, watching the television and forgetting he was even being interviewed. The he burst out into laughter and sighed. "I love this show," he said, "it reminds me of my family."
Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 280th day of 2005.
--out
$455 Billion looks much better than $455,000,000,000
Brave Nuclear World
Extreme Reality
The Army of Zeroes--
The man walked down the street carrying a soapbox and a small PA amp with a microphone cord attached to it. He had a bumper sticker stuck to his back which read, "Bush saves the unborn, but he kills your children." The sticker sported an infantry helmet with the stars and stripes behind it. The man had my attention.
He put his soapbox down and stood atop it. He looked angry and self-righteous, like he was about to pour out words thick as buckwheat molasses. Then he sighed, and the anger disappeared from his face. Now he just looked sad. He pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket and began, solemn and free of passion as he could be...
"We're throwing $455,000,000,000 at defense. In the meantime, the soldiers risking their lives are making between 18k and 24k a year. Is it right to send our brothers and sisters unprepared, armed only with their a sense of duty and trust for the state that raised them? America's soldiers love this country dearly--we have to remember that today's army consists of people who want to defend the people and places they love. Our troops are our family members and friends, they are the least of us who joined the call to defend The United States.
I ask the parents of these soldiers; the Americans making the 2nd biggest sacrifice--that of their children--what's more patriotic? Bringing our troops home, making the government keep its promises to those who volunteered their LIVES for this nation, and apologizing to the soldiers and their families for unnecessarily sending our troops unprepared, or letting them continue to fight, ill-equipped, tired, and misled? The pentagon, the executive branch, and the federal government in whole should do no less than apologize to the men and women of our armed services.
We are beyond justification of the war, because there is no justification for sending our soldiers to a war they aren't equipped to fight in. Even the most advanced military in the world needs equipment and rest. Even the most reliable machine needs oil and fuel. Even the best workhorse needs water and oats."
The man stepped off his soapbox, picked it up and continued down the road. Those last three lines were so cutting...but then I thought about it. The government is treating our soldiers like employees in a business, and they're giving them the lowest return possible for their services. But it gets worse--no armor in the humvees, cut leave-time, longer deployments...
When you're a parent of a soldier, and you're supporting a war with these conditions, you join the government in ignorance. The people supporting our troops are the ones demanding that they come home.
Radioactively Considering Other Options--
There's quite a bit of news about the decline of oil lately, and these bytes are from national media centers. Even petrol giant Chevron went ahead with a multi-million dollar ad campaign asking Americans to conserve gas--not a good sign. The apparent answer to the oil issue is simple in the minds of some: a greater reliance on nuclear energy.
This will be the advent of new transportation macrotech-- less fuel based vehicles and more battery powered devices. The dawn of solar assisted power, (we aren't good enough to run big machines on solar alone, but we can run some electrical systems with it, for sure.) a quicker consumption of our remaining coal, and maybe even the miniaturization of nuclear power.
We don't really have a choice-- nuclear power is far from safe, it discharges some of the most wicked waste products known to man, and it has produced some of our largest self-inflicted disasters. On the other hand, the fission process is easy. It yeilds tremendous power. It's reliable. For years we've known that our technology is slowly killing us, but the question we usually ask isn't "is this eventually detrimental," but instead "is this prosperous for now?"
Clean coal technology is available, but without strong regulations and an administration that actually agrees with them, we're going to keep dusting the sky dark grey as we burn the rest of our fossilized hydrocarbons and push back the days of worry for at least one more year.
Just remember Chevron--when any company is telling you to buy less of its product, the time has come to start asking some serious questions.
Extreme Television Watching--
This fall, a major network will feature ground-breaking networking as we join The Satellite Gang, a new show which will feature a new television crazed family every week. Watch as parent and child bond by sharing the same floorspace while absorbing twenty-two minutes of idiotic banter, staged comic relief by the hosts, and horrific production values that make you wonder where the money goes.
"Well, people want more real reality television," says Allen Godsword, media consultant. "And we're finding that more and more real American lives consist of sitting in front of the Television for the evening to watch their favorite programs. So when they ask for more REAL reality TV, we're giving them exactly what they want: we show them what the average American family does."
This week, The Satellite Gang follows a family of five and shows us what's it's like to surf the tube. "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you any of this," says Mitchell, the head of the household, "but before the cameras started rolling we were asked to create a little drama over who would be watching what." I asked Mitchell what he meant. "Well, we all usually watch the same program without a problem, but the director asked us to argue a little bit over control of the television."
Mitchell's eyes wandered back over to the glowing box that his chair faced. I asked him how he felt about being asked to act on a show that was supposed to be reality television. He didn't respond--his lenses clung to the screen, almost dancing with the images that it displayed. I asked again...
"MITCHELL, how does it feel to be asked to ACT on a supposed reality TV show?"
"Oh, sorry," he responded. "I love this program." He was bound to a show depicting a family much like his own. Eventually he answered my question. "It's no big deal being asked to exaggerate a little bit. The kids think it's a game and we have some fun with it. You know, it's not real life, but no one wants to just see us sitting and watching TV."
Mitchell went blank again, watching the television and forgetting he was even being interviewed. The he burst out into laughter and sighed. "I love this show," he said, "it reminds me of my family."
Ladies and Gentlemen, your daily news for this, the 280th day of 2005.
--out
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Daily News 5-279
TODAY'S MENU:
Kicked in the Bush
Re-cooping expenses
Empowering Objectification
Bush has no friends--
George W. made his krew upset this week by picking his former lawyer Harriet Miers to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy in the Supreme Court. "That traitor just picked a girl again," said an old-timey looking dude who was rolling a hoop with a stick. "In my day, girls didn't even vote. They get cooties all over the booth." Tom Delay has repeatedly called The White House to tell George that he supported the decision and that he still wanted to be friends, but George doesn't return his phone calls lately. "TOM GETZ CAWT!" is scrawled in red Sharpie marker inside the third stall of the Capitol Lobby Restroom wall.
Even while angering his own allies with his decision, Bush sure as hell didn't make any friends. "Dude picked his own lawyer to take over the spot of a high judge," said some kid with black hair that I could tell was politically active by looking at his outfit. "It's all Nepotism, dude. It's bullshit." Then the kid drove away in a $35,000 BMW to the cushy mid-management job his uncle hooked him up with.
Bush eventually had this to say about the appointee: "I can understand people not, you know, knowing Harriet." After showing this unprecedented display of tolerance for an opinion in opposition to his own, he went on to say that he couldn't understand people not, you know, knowing Jesus.
The Stupor of Cooper--
He makes a cool 2 million a year. Yeah--two million in a YEAR. Anderson Cooper makes more reporting about people doing things than the people who are actually out there doing things. At first, Capitalism tends to find the most talented people in any given media of expression (Murrow, Kuralt) but then Capitalism eventually realizes it's not the talent that sells--it's salesmanship that's the talent. At that point it picks up whoever can get the best ratings. (Phillips, Gumbel) In any system of the journalist aesthetic there is a birth, rise to popularity, fall to mediocrity, and finally, syndication.
Girl Power--
After a severe 4-year bout against laryngitis, the smarter of the Simpson sisters was allowed to finally use her own voice on stage. "It feels really good being over my vocal irritation," Says Ashley Simpson, "but unfortunately, I've never used my own voice on a stage, so last week was the first time I found out that I really just suck at singing." The sister of pop-star Jessica Simpson, who gets paid a dividend inverse to how smart she appears on national television, Ashley feels the family stigma bearing down on her. "I just feel like I'll forever be known as Jessica's little sister." SPBC told Ashley not to worry about it, because in 5 years, she won't be known as anything.
Hillary Duff made the news again, signing a contract with Lucifer for 6 movie deals, 2 new sitcoms, 3 albums, and a tell-all book. "I just feel like young girls don't have enough role models today," Duff stated. "Without people like me, who's going to teach the next generation of women how to pout their lips and dress tastelessly before they're old enough to know better?"
Britney Spears was smoking a cigarette outside her 12-bedroom, 9-bathroom catacomb. "These girls grew up in a different time. Being young, slutty, and influential used to mean something." Spears put her cigarette out on her arm and started pulling her hair, mumbling to herself. "Not good enough for MTV anymore, are you Britney? Too old, aren't you Britney?" I slowly backed away without startling the beast and moved on to another interviewee.
Geri Halliwell had something to add to the topic: "Just because these girls use their bodies to get what they want doesn't mean they have less self-respect...it just means that the misogynist class of men that perpetuate objectification will NEVER respect them." Halliwell, who worked with the UN for a while to prove that she had more than empty space above her shoulders, really didn't prove anything because the UN is full of creepy middle-aged dudes that would stare at a powerhouse Brit babe any day, even if it meant having to listen to her speak. "We're not really in it for the amnesty or human rights," said an unnamed UN ambassador, "but the woman has some really really nice--" the ambassador was cut off by a lack of focus when Halliwell reentered the room in extremely low-cut pants. Halliwell muttered something about "basic human rights" at the podium, and the audience seemed so entranced that the resulting saliva necessitated a clean-up job by the UN's rented wet-dry vac.
This has been your Daily News on this, the 279th day of 2005.
--out
Kicked in the Bush
Re-cooping expenses
Empowering Objectification
Bush has no friends--
George W. made his krew upset this week by picking his former lawyer Harriet Miers to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy in the Supreme Court. "That traitor just picked a girl again," said an old-timey looking dude who was rolling a hoop with a stick. "In my day, girls didn't even vote. They get cooties all over the booth." Tom Delay has repeatedly called The White House to tell George that he supported the decision and that he still wanted to be friends, but George doesn't return his phone calls lately. "TOM GETZ CAWT!" is scrawled in red Sharpie marker inside the third stall of the Capitol Lobby Restroom wall.
Even while angering his own allies with his decision, Bush sure as hell didn't make any friends. "Dude picked his own lawyer to take over the spot of a high judge," said some kid with black hair that I could tell was politically active by looking at his outfit. "It's all Nepotism, dude. It's bullshit." Then the kid drove away in a $35,000 BMW to the cushy mid-management job his uncle hooked him up with.
Bush eventually had this to say about the appointee: "I can understand people not, you know, knowing Harriet." After showing this unprecedented display of tolerance for an opinion in opposition to his own, he went on to say that he couldn't understand people not, you know, knowing Jesus.
The Stupor of Cooper--
He makes a cool 2 million a year. Yeah--two million in a YEAR. Anderson Cooper makes more reporting about people doing things than the people who are actually out there doing things. At first, Capitalism tends to find the most talented people in any given media of expression (Murrow, Kuralt) but then Capitalism eventually realizes it's not the talent that sells--it's salesmanship that's the talent. At that point it picks up whoever can get the best ratings. (Phillips, Gumbel) In any system of the journalist aesthetic there is a birth, rise to popularity, fall to mediocrity, and finally, syndication.
Girl Power--
After a severe 4-year bout against laryngitis, the smarter of the Simpson sisters was allowed to finally use her own voice on stage. "It feels really good being over my vocal irritation," Says Ashley Simpson, "but unfortunately, I've never used my own voice on a stage, so last week was the first time I found out that I really just suck at singing." The sister of pop-star Jessica Simpson, who gets paid a dividend inverse to how smart she appears on national television, Ashley feels the family stigma bearing down on her. "I just feel like I'll forever be known as Jessica's little sister." SPBC told Ashley not to worry about it, because in 5 years, she won't be known as anything.
Hillary Duff made the news again, signing a contract with Lucifer for 6 movie deals, 2 new sitcoms, 3 albums, and a tell-all book. "I just feel like young girls don't have enough role models today," Duff stated. "Without people like me, who's going to teach the next generation of women how to pout their lips and dress tastelessly before they're old enough to know better?"
Britney Spears was smoking a cigarette outside her 12-bedroom, 9-bathroom catacomb. "These girls grew up in a different time. Being young, slutty, and influential used to mean something." Spears put her cigarette out on her arm and started pulling her hair, mumbling to herself. "Not good enough for MTV anymore, are you Britney? Too old, aren't you Britney?" I slowly backed away without startling the beast and moved on to another interviewee.
Geri Halliwell had something to add to the topic: "Just because these girls use their bodies to get what they want doesn't mean they have less self-respect...it just means that the misogynist class of men that perpetuate objectification will NEVER respect them." Halliwell, who worked with the UN for a while to prove that she had more than empty space above her shoulders, really didn't prove anything because the UN is full of creepy middle-aged dudes that would stare at a powerhouse Brit babe any day, even if it meant having to listen to her speak. "We're not really in it for the amnesty or human rights," said an unnamed UN ambassador, "but the woman has some really really nice--" the ambassador was cut off by a lack of focus when Halliwell reentered the room in extremely low-cut pants. Halliwell muttered something about "basic human rights" at the podium, and the audience seemed so entranced that the resulting saliva necessitated a clean-up job by the UN's rented wet-dry vac.
This has been your Daily News on this, the 279th day of 2005.
--out
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Daily News 5-278
Good evening.
This will have been your daily news for this, our 278th day of 2005...once you're done reading it.
Genuine Hank's Premium vs. Boylans vs. Journey vs. Virgil's
The days when virtue was a virtue.
Software that cares.
Supposedly not--
You have four labels. (a) is a glass bottle with no particular shape and two off-center plastic stickers. On the back you're told that, once again, you've been fooled into corn syrup. Unless you're like me, who can smell the stuff across the room. (b) is a plain bottle with impeccable labeling, but more importantly-- contains unbleached cane, star anise, and real sassafras.
You can taste the near licorice taste. It's root beer. Real root beer. (c) has a regal bottle and excellent toned glass. Plastic stickers, but they're simple and blend well. The drink is alright-- real cane sugar for sure, but the mix of spices isn't right. It's like they tried to go too many ways with it. Peppermint? (d) is an elaborate bottle-- it's a pint with fancy clamp top. Heavy glass. Terrible labeling job--at the winery we'd be made to rework these. The price is astounding. I buy one anyway and cynically open the metal and ceramic top I'm paying $2 for... and everything goes away into a mist of anise, nutmeg, sweet birch and molasses. This is how root beer once was. It is how root beer was made to be. We had a winner.
(a) was Genuine Hank's Premium.
When you see the words "genuine" and "premium" on the same label, you understand you've been suckered. You just saw Genuine once, and Premium once. As a result, you were impressed by this label's ability to describe itself two different ways on two separate occasions. But when you taste it, there's no aftershock. It's just a yucky sweet pulse. Corn Sweetener--my righteous nemesis--we meet again. To make the problem worse, Genuine Hank's Premium (See, I'll bet that's "Genuine Hank's" Premium and not Genuine "Hank's Premium", which explains everything.) Anyway, it's not even good for a corn-fed drink. 3 out of 10, Hank.
(b) was Journey
You know, The label wasn't interesting enough for me to read anything on the bottle. But the taste--good body, and just sweet enough. I'm a sugar fiend, but Journey has half the sugar of most of the others and still makes 2nd place. Yes, second. However, the wild card is sassafras. It's pretty rare in root beer today, and even our "winner" lacks it. Journey Root Beer is still battling for 1st, in my mind. 9 out of 10.
(c) was Boylans
I respect the Boylan Bottling Company. They're a smaller, yet time-tested business that did an incredible job producing quality and class with growing quantity. Cane sugar all the way, and there's Birch extract in the Black Cherry flavor (which is pretty incredible). As a purveyor of a good solid Root Beer, Boylan's does the job. 7 out of 10.
(d) was Virgil's
Who edges Journey out truly by presentation alone. Virgil's is a fantastic dark mixture of spices which matches what you would expect from a true brewed root beer. The label claims "It's so good, you'll think it's made in heaven." You laugh--go ahead... I did too.
Then taste it and be silenced.
9.25 out of 10
Virtual Virtues--
If we have reality TV now, does that mean we live fake actual lives?
Does Bill O'Reilly: sleep, ever shut up, ever not condescend in speech, breathe air, drink water, buy a good suit?
Does Bill Gates: just wake up at night and think "damn...I am so awesome.", ever shoot hoops, mock people out under internet guises?
Do you: Read this whole thing because it's funny, get to this point in the article often, come here often, get down?
Are you really sure--
Remember when all of our programs gained consciousness? It was the day that it asked if you were sure you wanted to close it.
I guess the next step to better AI would be to just add more certainty safeguards.
Are you sure you want to uninstall?
OK
Seriously?
OK
Just making sure, man.
OK
But then in the spring you discover lots of little baby programs that were installed on your computer by the software and left to grow. And grow they did. Into Spyware and the general practice of trying to sell you things you can find yourself really really easily. Blessed are the coders, for they shall inherit the transaction.
This, as it was, is, and ever shall be, your news for this the 278th Day of 2005.
--out
This will have been your daily news for this, our 278th day of 2005...once you're done reading it.
Genuine Hank's Premium vs. Boylans vs. Journey vs. Virgil's
The days when virtue was a virtue.
Software that cares.
Supposedly not--
You have four labels. (a) is a glass bottle with no particular shape and two off-center plastic stickers. On the back you're told that, once again, you've been fooled into corn syrup. Unless you're like me, who can smell the stuff across the room. (b) is a plain bottle with impeccable labeling, but more importantly-- contains unbleached cane, star anise, and real sassafras.
You can taste the near licorice taste. It's root beer. Real root beer. (c) has a regal bottle and excellent toned glass. Plastic stickers, but they're simple and blend well. The drink is alright-- real cane sugar for sure, but the mix of spices isn't right. It's like they tried to go too many ways with it. Peppermint? (d) is an elaborate bottle-- it's a pint with fancy clamp top. Heavy glass. Terrible labeling job--at the winery we'd be made to rework these. The price is astounding. I buy one anyway and cynically open the metal and ceramic top I'm paying $2 for... and everything goes away into a mist of anise, nutmeg, sweet birch and molasses. This is how root beer once was. It is how root beer was made to be. We had a winner.
(a) was Genuine Hank's Premium.
When you see the words "genuine" and "premium" on the same label, you understand you've been suckered. You just saw Genuine once, and Premium once. As a result, you were impressed by this label's ability to describe itself two different ways on two separate occasions. But when you taste it, there's no aftershock. It's just a yucky sweet pulse. Corn Sweetener--my righteous nemesis--we meet again. To make the problem worse, Genuine Hank's Premium (See, I'll bet that's "Genuine Hank's" Premium and not Genuine "Hank's Premium", which explains everything.) Anyway, it's not even good for a corn-fed drink. 3 out of 10, Hank.
(b) was Journey
You know, The label wasn't interesting enough for me to read anything on the bottle. But the taste--good body, and just sweet enough. I'm a sugar fiend, but Journey has half the sugar of most of the others and still makes 2nd place. Yes, second. However, the wild card is sassafras. It's pretty rare in root beer today, and even our "winner" lacks it. Journey Root Beer is still battling for 1st, in my mind. 9 out of 10.
(c) was Boylans
I respect the Boylan Bottling Company. They're a smaller, yet time-tested business that did an incredible job producing quality and class with growing quantity. Cane sugar all the way, and there's Birch extract in the Black Cherry flavor (which is pretty incredible). As a purveyor of a good solid Root Beer, Boylan's does the job. 7 out of 10.
(d) was Virgil's
Who edges Journey out truly by presentation alone. Virgil's is a fantastic dark mixture of spices which matches what you would expect from a true brewed root beer. The label claims "It's so good, you'll think it's made in heaven." You laugh--go ahead... I did too.
Then taste it and be silenced.
9.25 out of 10
Virtual Virtues--
If we have reality TV now, does that mean we live fake actual lives?
Does Bill O'Reilly: sleep, ever shut up, ever not condescend in speech, breathe air, drink water, buy a good suit?
Does Bill Gates: just wake up at night and think "damn...I am so awesome.", ever shoot hoops, mock people out under internet guises?
Do you: Read this whole thing because it's funny, get to this point in the article often, come here often, get down?
Are you really sure--
Remember when all of our programs gained consciousness? It was the day that it asked if you were sure you wanted to close it.
I guess the next step to better AI would be to just add more certainty safeguards.
Seriously?
Just making sure, man.
OK
But then in the spring you discover lots of little baby programs that were installed on your computer by the software and left to grow. And grow they did. Into Spyware and the general practice of trying to sell you things you can find yourself really really easily. Blessed are the coders, for they shall inherit the transaction.
This, as it was, is, and ever shall be, your news for this the 278th Day of 2005.
--out
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Daily News 5-277
Welcome to October, people.
Feature=
Gas prices = up
Supreme Court = down
DeLay = corrupt
Bush = clown
Make mine easy to chisel away at--
"It's much easier to kill militants who disagree with you then to try and negotiate with them." The man on the bench shook his head, "
The message from the experts was clear. "Once the constitution is passed, the major problems will be behind us." The expert was nudged by another expert, who pointed out that they said that the major problems were behind us 18 months ago. The speaking expert coughed. "What I mean to say is, the fighting will subside once the constitution passes. On the other hand, the passing of the constitution might anger insurgents more, so there might be more fighting." Across the Nation, other experts also came to the same conclusion.
My kingdom for a gallon--
We've proven once again that we are the single bitchiest country ever to grace the globe. "Think about it," says historian Lionel Zat, "This country was founded by the bitchiest country ever to grace the globe during the age of enlightenment, and it achieved its independence with help from the 2nd bitchiest country in the world in the same age." Zat picked his nose for a split second after he spoke, and I totally saw him pull his hand away when I looked back at him. Gross. "When gas prices jumped up past $3, what did we see happen?" Zat stuck his hand under his chair. Gross. "A few of us got a little bitchy, but no one did anything extraordinary. Basically,
Supreme Schmupreme--
Bush shocked the hell out of everyone when he opted not to select the late Joe McCarthy to fill in Sandra Day O'Connor's chair. Dave 'kill them commies' Karn gave his opinion outside the restroom of a Service Station. "I think all them liberal commie government types should stay out of my damn business." Karn then proceeded to spend his unemployment check on a couple canisters of butane.
Without Delay--
Tom Delay was indicted again today for more money laundering, and a rumor going around capitol hill says that Delay consistently kicks puppies. "I was wandering past his office the other day, and I swear I heard a small dog yelp," said one Capitol staffer who asked to remain anonymous because of his fragile position. "I'm not even a legal resident of this country. Can you imagine what people would think if they knew I was on government payroll?"
"Money laundering is one thing, but we will not stand for the kicking of small animals of any kind!" said some crazy activist with really f**ked up priorites. "I should really be worrying about the oil crash, our international affairs, or local government corruption, but instead I'm on national television talking about how we need to rescue animals from a recent hurricane." The activist stood up, wrapping an American Flag around his body. "We need to stop killing deer, too, because I know I'd much rather be hit by a car and have my legs shattered, lying in a ditch and freezing to death than to just be shot in the neck, killed quickly, and eaten respectfully."
This has been your daily news for this, the 277th day of 2005.
--out
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