Mrs Clinton vs. Bob Dole Jr.

It's almost 1996 again, minus the promise of the internet.

Unless Obama is able to pull his share of the delegates for the post-Super Tuesday share of the primary election, we'll be facing an election between ANOTHER Clinton and ANOTHER old man.

McCain seems to have a little more energy that Dole did in 1996, but there's one thing that McCain is sorely in need of: the support of his own party.

It seems that the lion's share of the Republican Party is now lamenting McCain's rise to power after Super Tuesday. I'm watching Ann Coulter talk about how sad it is that Romney, a "real conservative" isn't holding position as the top Republican Nominee. I'm sorry, but how does being pro-gay rights, pro-abortion, and anti-gun make for being a "real conservative," especially in the eyes of Ann freaking Coulter?

Anyway, now that McCain is their option, they're taking my position and hoping that Hillary gets elected so that she can bankrupt the dollar with ludicrous amounts of federal spending. (At least that's why I want her elected.) They're of the mind that, as long as Hillary's in office, we can blame everything that happens on a Democrat for once.

Republican pundits would rather be on the offensive and slamming the opposite party instead of having to defend everything their moronic cowboy hero does. Now that his lame duck status is absolutely secure (Republican Sentors having blocked the stimulus plan that Bush set up with the House Premier, Komrade Pelosi), they're ready to sit back and do some good old Democrat bashing.

Here's to Barack Obama. He may not have much experience, but he's an agent of change, he's not a conservative in liberal clothing, and he's actually pro-gun rights. Yeah, it came as a surprise to me too. The man from Illinois--may he win the day and spare us all from a sequel to "The Old Man and the Clinton."

McCain and Abel

John McCain has won South Carolina. That's right, the state that dealt the Mac a crushing blow just four years ago has (narrowly) accepted him into their hearts. Where did the good doctor fall on this first of the southern states, this test of the minds of the evangelicals?

Fourth. Ron Paul got fourth.

And while it's not looking especially good for the one whose supporters call the "savior of the constitution, Dr. Paul did come 2nd only to Mitt Romney in a state half-filled with mormons. Not too bad, considering. It may have been a distant second, but remember, this was a state that less than half a century ago hauled pot dealers to jail for life with no questions asked.

Not a bad sign.

Perhaps most amazing is the sign that the Huckabeast's drive to conquer the south may have been stopped short on yesterday's important vote. Keep in mind that Huckabee is supposedly the voice of the evangelical community (despite the fact that Rat Pobertson supported another fellow rodent, Rudy Guiliani, whose upturned nose, squinty eyes, and clever position changes place his appearance somewhere between a ferret and a weasel).

Some people say that Dr. Paul's contention for the hearts of the Republicans (whose minds and original party precepts have been turned upside down by way of Papa Strauss' Neo-Conservative movement), is a fool's wager.

After seeing some of the opening primaries, they may be right. (FULL DISCLOSURE: The author of this very blog is a wickedly insane Dr. Paul supporter of the most distant fringe, but even we asylum patients have to admit that perhaps our victory will come not in getting the Doctor elected president, but in reminding the American public that their government was based off of a piece of paper called the Constitution.) The people that irk me are not the whole body of naysayers, but instead, the sub-group of naysayers who support the rodent mentioned above.

How can the Republicans possibly vote for a candidate who once attempted to blame criminal activity on gun companies? Moreover, how can the evangelicals believe in a man twice divorced--a man who has children that won't speak to him? Fool's wager indeed. If you want to call Ron Paul a joke, there's only one Republican you can stand behind to make that claim...and that man is John McCain.

Romney, you ask? I shudder in fear. If Mitt Romney takes the presidency, this nation is as surely doomed as David Broder's head is domed. But nay--I have faith in the south. If such a state as South Carolina would reject McCain just four years ago only to lead him under the shade of the Palmetto, surely states like Alabama and Mississippi will lead him under the shade of the majestic--uh--swampgrass that would protect him from the radioactive orange glow of Romney's billion candela faux-tan.

New Hampshire is a nice win for the Mac as well, but keep in mind the oddity that is New Hampshire; after all, Pat Buchanan (think Ron Paul only with less gynecologist and more Guy Fawkes, more gun waving and less net flaming) won that state's primary in 1996.

But I stand on my position: if you're going to put money on a Republican winner, that man is John McCain.

If you're a democrat, that man is Senator Hillary Clinton. Yes, if the ever-whining democrats win this time, it looks like another dynastic turn in the executive party of our country. Obama supporters are wearing blinders if they think that Barack can win the south. He can't. After all--there were female plantation owners.

This editor is going to take plenty of flack for that comment (yet not as much as a certain editor who decided to decorate their sports magazine cover with the most apparently poignant of all racial symbols--the noose), but as badly as Democrats want to jail me for even bringing the point up, the truth will be evident after Super-Duper-Ultra-Funtastic-Extravanganza Tuesday. If I were a registered democrat, you can bet that I would be voting for Obama, the lesser of two evils on a socialist front where everyone gets free healthcare for nothing, but the point of this is that I don't represent the south. I'm just calling it as I hear it--and as I hear it, it's usually sung to the tune of "I ain't gonna vote for no (racial slur)." It's sad, but it's the truth.

I see plenty of Hillary signs here in South Carolina. I see plenty of McCain and Romney signs. I see Ron Paul signs and Mike Huckabee signs. I even see the occasional John Edwards banners flying. Guess whose signs I don't see? (No, I'm not talking about Duncan Hunter.)

So again, my scoreboard for the week opening January 20th:
McCain 2:1
Romney 5:2
Huckabee 8:1
Paul 10:1
Giuliani Snow Leopard:Weasel
Thompson Snowstorm: Miami in July

Hillary 5:4
Obama JOKE CENSORED BY ACLU AND NAACP ON PAIN OF EDITOR'S CAREER DEATH
Edwards Ex-Marine stepfather:Red-headed stepchild (see how stuff like that slips right by the ACLU?)

Bloomberg 10 more Seasons of American Idol:Success of own reality TV show titled "Late Bloomers"


COMING SOON...
As our economy tanks, more and more business deals are going down in favor of international interests. If you think we turned into a corporate police state in this decade, make way for the future as our nation becomes a financial melting pot--the stock of which will be poured into a delicious american pot pie and divided amongst our hungry foreign investors...

According to H.R. 1955, this post will count me as a terrorist

I am so getting shipped to Guantanamo for this one.

MOVIE BUZZ: AvP:R

AvP:R? Sounds like a cool new sports coupe. Nope, we're talking about the latest installment of two held-together-with-duct-tape film franchises: Alien and Predator.

Let's look back on our film history and see how Alien (Director Ridley Scott's iconic space-nightmare) and Predator (John McTiernan's not-terrible flick about an invisible alien hunter) culminated in the cinematic clusterf**k that is AvP:R

First we had Alien (1979), one of the best science-fiction/horror films ever made. It established Sigourney Weaver as a leading lady as well as showed us that murderous androids can be scary sons of bitches.

Then we had Aliens (1986), a brilliantly written sequel containing one of Paul Reiser's only great appearances on film, starring as an evil Weyland-Utani space corporation exec. Sigourney returned to the series as one awesomely tough bitch.

Then Ahnold starred in Predator (1987), battling a cloaked extraterrestrial in the darkness of the jungle. It established the Predator as a pussy of a sore loser, blowing himself up instead of accepting his defeat at the hands of a mere human (though I'm not sure we can call the former Mr. Olympia, Mr. Universe, and current governor of California a mere human.)

Then Danny Glover tried his hand at the beast in Predator 2 (1990). Not only did he have better luck in defeating him, but he also got a little bit of our invisible assailant's story here on earth. Reprising his role as the guy who flips out and gets killed was Bill Paxton, who might as well have yelled: "Game over man, Sarge is dead" upon being gutted.

But Sigourney wasn't done with those nasty, acid-bleeding Giger-esque aliens. In Alien 3 (1992) she took her own life, preventing her from giving birth to the Alien Queen embryo that had been growing inside her.

Somewhere along the way, video game designers decided that it wasn't enough to have separate video games about Alien and Predator, so they decided to pit them against each other in Alien vs. Predator (1993, Genesis/SNES). They also pit Robocop against the Terminator, another annoying mash-up that thankfully never hit the big screen.

Speaking of the big screen, we return four years later when the talented writer Joss Whedon (Firefly, Toy Story co-writer) brought the series back in Alien: Ressurection (1997) where Sigourney's character is cloned by those greedy Weyland-Utani folks in order to grow another queen and harvest the eggs of the most deadly weapon in the known universe. Oh yeah, Winona came along for this one, too.

For a while after that, our favorite extraterrestrials took a break, letting the aliens from Independence Day, The Arrival, Species, and Supernova have their proverbial days in the sun.

Seven years later, a bunch of coked up film executives thought that maybe a twelve-year-old video game might make a good premise for a movie. Following the gold-paved road that blockbuster movies like Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, House of the Dead, and DOOM helped build, Alien vs. Predator (2004)--or as fans affectionately called it: AvP--continued the story of both series all while ignoring the fact that both Alien and Predator had once been respectable franchises. The only saving grace we got was that Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Alien 3) reappeared as Charles Bishop Weyland, the original creator of the BISHOP android.

Add more three years, replace the coke binge with a crack binge, and we have AvP:R (2007). The full title is "Aliens vs. Predator: REQUIEM", and the premise looks as awful as that of its predecessor: pit two E.T. nasties against each other and let the action flow! Featuring the talented Raoul Bova, Sanaa Lathan, and...what's that? You've never heard of them? Never mind. Like its predecessor, the only thing that might redeem this movie is Mr. Henriksen, appearing again as Bishop.

The question is, with the titles going the way they are, what's next? Alien 3 vs. Predator 2: Missa pro defunctis? Maybe they can just slide it by whatever fans they have left by calling it: A3vP2:Mpd. After all, a generation full of STP, DMB and MCR fans can't get enough of those wonderful acronyms.

Something new I just learned about Ron Paul

When he was a milkman, he used to deliver milk to ol' Hans.
The Flying FREAKING Dutchman. This dude just gets cooler and cooler.

ARTHUR BRANCH CHOKES ON THE OPEN NET

Well Arthur Branch, you've come a long way since your humble days as the D.A. of New York. You were once just a County Sheriff in whatever crap state Roseanne was supposed to have taken place in.

But after you finally appeared on national TV against dynamic powerhouses like faith-based comedy man and prolific rocker Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney--with hair so perfect and skin so flourescent orange that he makes even retired college and pro-football coach Jimmy Johnson weep--you dropped in the polls.

Why is that, Fred?
Is it because you're not Ronald Reagan?
Is it because Nixon dissed you back in the day?
Is it because you avoided the first couple of debates?

No.
It is because your FAIL quotient on the podium even bought Guiliani a few more votes.

Do not steal the spotlight from THE DECIDER

In future meetings it will be illegal for other state leaders to out-accessorize our sovereign.

It's not funny anymore

Future Correspondence: Former President G.W. Bush to my friend who is a Doctoral Candidate